Disappointed in Myself

It's been a little while since I've posted to this blog and honestly, I don't really have an excuse for it.  I'm maintaining a teaching blog where I'm preparing Spanish lessons, but this blog is supposed to be the heartbeat of my writing experience.  I'm writing a book and this blog is supposed to help prepare me.


I've successfully completed the 21 day Daniel fast, yet I don't feel successful.  The fast was supposed to be so much more than no meats, no sweets, and no dairy...it was supposed to be my platform to catapult me into the next level of prayer with my Savior.  I feel like I've completely pissed away the experience and opportunity to maximize the full effects of fasting.  


One good thing that came out of the fasting experience is the way I see food now.  A month ago, I would have told you that my sweet tooth rules my life.  Now I can honestly say that I don't see sweets the same way.  I still really enjoy them, but not having them for 3 weeks has made me see that I can survive a day without chocolate.  


Food was a source of comfort for me, my go to, problem solving solution for stress, depression, anxiety, and anything else that life would decide to throw my way.  My life is not without challenge and fasting has helped me realize that food is my source of fuel and that my Father is my source for everything else.  Eating never solved my problems...if anything it compounded them.  Sweets and junk food were my vices for being lazy and ultimately becoming depressed about my situation.  I was still frustrated and going through the challenges of life, only this time with the Lord as my sweet satisfaction.


I still feel like I'm on the brink of something great and honestly, I don't even feel like it's too late for me to tap in the blessings of God.  I want to be consistent.  Every day, without fail, do the things I'm supposed to do and trust in the Lord with all my heart...EVERY day.  What's stopping me?  Who's stopping me?


I am...


Thankfully, the Lord sees fit for me to see another day.  Another opportunity to get things right and get it together.  As I type these words, I think about the song by Kanye West and Jay Z, Going H.A.M., and that's exactly what I have to do with everything in my life.  I've gotta go hard ALWAYS.  No excuses, no pity parties...just go harder ever and expect greatness.  I expect greatness, and getting mad at myself only motivates me to do better because I don't want to stay the person I am.  I want to be a woman of integrity and a woman after God's heart.  Greatness...it's my destiny.