For the first time since teaching at this high school, I feel like I want to go home and never come back. It's not any one thing or another, but a compilation of events that have occured in recent weeks that makes me feel like this is not the place for me. I love the students, but there are definitely other dynamics that make me just want to walk away from all of this.
As a person, I have no gray area...I'm either nice or a bitch, I either like you or I don't. It really takes a lot for me NOT to like a person, unless I get some sort of negative vibe from them. As a teacher, I'm the same way. I'm really nice and thus far, my students haven't really seen any other side of me. I don't feel like it's necessary to act like a bitch to anybody unless provoked, but tonight, I'm really feeling some kind of way about being here.
I've tried on numerous occasions to get certain students to calm themselves down. Turn your music down, put your headphones in, take that phone call outside, watch your language, control yourself...These all seem to be the issues I have with my students. Part of me not only feels the blatant disrespect from my fellow teacher, but from some of my students. From my students, it may not be intentional, but from my fellow teacher I feel like it is. I'll be confronting him tonight.
On the other hand, my students consume my thoughts on a regular basis. I want the best for them and love to do all kinds of things for them. I'm already planning what I'm gonna do for Halloween (which I just realized is next week), and I've got some ideas for what I want to do for them for Thanksgiving and Christmas too. I have all kinds of plans for them and constantly want to show them that I care about them as people as well as academically. I need to figure out how to be more effective with them academically though. Somehow I've got to encourage a learning environment for them and make learning fun for them. Seems kinda hard to do that when it's all computer based learning.
The students have truly expressed how much they love me and want me to stay. In my heart, I want to stay because I love them too.
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