Where do we go from here...

For some reason, I feel like I've hit an emotional rock bottom.  I understand that because I'm human, I'm prone to make mistakes and screw up more often than I really, truly care to admit.  I work hard to be the best Lennis I can be on a regular basis, no matter what type of crap I get handed.  I'm at a point where I feel like I'm at a crossroad with my relationship with the Lord.  Please understand me when I say that I LOVE THE LORD, however, I just don't understand what my role is in this life.

I try and try to do what's right (and I understand that even that can be a matter of interpretation), but will I ever catch a break?  I know that weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning, however, if a day is but a thousand years then it would stand to reason that I could be weeping for a long ass time...I'm just sayin.  Seriously, how long must I struggle and fight, the emotional fight of trying to remain positive when all I seem to be surrounded with is negativity? 

I guess if it wasn't for my damn determination, I'd be dead right now.  I'm experiencing inner conflict with myself and struggle with the decisions I've made to govern myself accordingly with regards to the various shit I seem to get myself into.  In any event, I'm still stronger and even more wiser than before and must guard my heart, bridle my tongue, and listen more carefully.  I must continue to fight the good fight of faith, because without it, I will SURELY die.  I must remain focused on the really important things in my life and do my best to create an optimal environment of love, friendship, and peace, and not waver from my own personal mission statement.  I don't really care about what other people think, because I always try to check myself before reacting to what has been said about me or done to me. 

I want to be the best Lennis I can possibly be, but I can't do it alone.  I need help...so I will continue to lift up mine eyes to the hills from whence cometh my help, for my help cometh from the Lord.  I truly believe that.  Maybe I'm going through all this crap because I'm being protected by the Lord.  It's possible that it could've been worse had it not been for the Lord.  I guess it's truly a matter of perception, but perception is such a tricky thing. 

Stay encouraged, Lennis and don't give up on yourself or your God.  He hears you...do you hear HIM?   hhmmm...

I DON'T have time...

I'm strong...really really strong...and fed up.  I don't have time for phony, fake church folk that swear up and down that they love you and are there for you only to LIE about you.  I don't have time for people that act like they want to be bothered, but they really don't want to be.  A word of advise...say what you mean and mean what you say!

I don't have time for people that only have time for you when there's a problem, but when things are good, THEY don't have time.  I don't have time for drama, bob smith (bs), and phony people!  If you don't want to be bothered with me, then just say so.  Stop with the lame excuses as to WHY you don't have time and just get on with your life already.  Honestly, you don't owe anybody any explanation as to why you do the things you do, so stop tryna provide one.

Grow a  pair and just say "NO"!  Sheesh... 

Ironically enough, I still believe in the power of the human spirit and in true friendship.  I have some wonderful friends, and all the people that I thought were my friends can get on with their lives.  I don't have time.  I DO want to take a moment to thank you for showing me your true colors.  

Yet STILL I Rise...

I've had the opportunity to reflect upon 2009 and I've come to the harsh realization that this year has been, by far, the worse year of my adult life.  I've learned so many hard lessons that I can't help but wonder when my breakthrough is going to manifest itself.  The more I think about my 2009, the more depressed I get.

I was basically homeless for about 5 1/2 months, between jobs (by choice), found out that love has escaped me once again, learned that my child has lost his mind since turning 18, and I'm STILL working my ass off and barely making ends meet.  This year has shown me not only what I'm made of, but where my true friendships lie as well.  I want to be financially successful and debt free so bad that I can taste it, however, I'm no closer to my financial goals than I was last year or even 10 years ago.  As I type these words, I can't help but wonder if I'll ever reach any level of success.  I have some things to be proud of, but for the most part, I'm STILL struggling.  The more I try, the more success and happiness elude me.

I believe in the Lord and I tell myself that He never gives me more than I can bear, but DAMN!!  How strong does He think I am?  Am I destined to be single forever, or be in selfish relationships with guys that are soooo busy that they barely have time for me?  When will I be considered the love of someone's life and have a Joseph and Justine Simmons kinda love?   Am I destined to barely get by or will my financial success ever come my way?  Will I ever be proud of my sons?  What kind of lives will they have?   What will my legacy be?

Ironically enough, I struggle and strive for a better life, and even though I don't understand why I do it, I still work harder, reach higher, and go harder than I've ever gone before.  Oddly enough, throughout all my hardships and setback I STILL press on...yet STILL I rise.  It seems so strange because I don't even know why I work so hard.  I've always worked hard and sometimes I do alright, but more often than not, I usually end up struggling.  I see my friends getting married and I want that.  I see my friends buying houses and I want that.  I have friends that just seem to have all the fortune and I want that.  I just don't understand what I'm working so hard for if my end result ends up being the same as it's always been...struggling...yet STILL I rise.  I rise from the fire like a Phoenix, with more determination than ever before, because I STILL have hope that I'll have the desires of my heart.  
I'm not sure if I'm just stupid or super ambitious but I do know this...even after all the pissing and moaning about what I want and wish I had, I still have hope and the faith in myself to achieve my goals and have the best life possible.  I believe that what God has for me is for me, and no matter what, that's what I hold on to.  I hate where I am in my life, yet STILL I rise...

I'll be back more powerful, more focused, and stronger than ever, but for now...I'm just depressed...

Until next time...

Tiger Woods...My Two Cents

I just wanted to take a moment to weigh in on the Tiger Woods fiasco and try to give some insight from a Black woman's perspective.  I've always been a fan of Tiger Woods and have respected him for his diligence and determination to perfect his craft.  He had a wonderful relationship with his father, which was also quite admirable considering that most African American males don't have the benefit of their fathers in their lives, let alone being raised with one in the home.  I've come to terms with the fact that he doesn't acknowledge the African American side of him, which in my opinion is a slap in the face to his father.  His father loved him no matter what, even after the Cablasian category that Tiger Woods decided to create for himself.

He marries a white woman...fine.  He has 2 beautiful biracial children...wonderful.  He's entitled to his own slice of happiness and a normal life just like everybody else.  My issue is with the details of his marriage, or should I say, "business arrangement".  Business arrangement?  Marriage is a partnership and he has lots of money, so I guess in the most insensitive way his marriage could be constued as a "business arrangement".  However, he also entered into an agreement with his wife that he would love, cherish, and honor her for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, til death. 

For the first time, I believe that Tiger Woods is faced with the harsh reality that he is a Black man that has crossed the line with a ton of white women.  He's dominated a white sport for years now, and no other golfer can say that he hasn't, but the fact of the matter is he'll never be white...ever.  It doesn't matter how many white wives he acquires, how many white mistresses he beds, or how many white people love him...he's still a black man that has broken the race barrier in a white sport and paved the way for other minorities to enter and gain respect in golf as a profession.

To consider his marriage as a "business arrangement" is a slap in the face to his wife and totally disrepectful.  She loved him enough to have his children and provide a home for him.  Yes, he's rich, but money obviously can't buy enough forgiveness, now can it.  Money can't wipe away the tabloid headlines or keep the constant flow of former mistresses quiet either.  Money can't even change the fact that Tiger Woods is STILL a black man with a big problem on his hands and really needs to determine what's really important to him.

There's nothing wrong with being African American and I'm sorry that Tiger Woods didn't care enough to embrace his heritage, which is clearly undeniable.  Many have come before him that have enabled him to enjoy the life that he has today and it's a damn shame that he's too arrogant to see that.   We are beautiful, despite what this country constantly does to try to stigmatize the African American.  From music to comercials to the lack of presence still in mainstream television, the African American still has a long way to go. 

Thank you Tiger Woods, for allowing me to be prouder than ever to be African American, for I appreciate all that we've accomplished in spite of the obstacles and all that we're continually striving for. 

I Love My Students...

Working with young people has got to be one of the most rewarding careers I could have ever chosen to pursue.  I can't believe that I was running from this for so long because I absolutely love my students.  They are truly amazing to me.

I work at a charter high school in Tempe, AZ where the students come here for a variety of reasons.  Some students have been kicked out of traditional high schools, some have disciplinary issues, some just don't want to be bothered with the traditional high school thing, but most just want to graduate earlier than if they would if they were attending a regular high school.  It's an alternative school that caters to the "at promise" youth and have day and evening school.  I teach the night school which is all computer based education (CBE) and assist the students in all their subjects. 

Although I'm a Spanish teacher, the school didn't have to funding for me to have my own classes, so I have to assist the students with their core subjects as well as their electives.  Because it's all computer based the students are basically teaching themselves the content and taking quizzes and tests via computer as well.  The students come to school every day and do their work on the computer.  Some are more diligent than others, but the fact that they're committed to attending a night school to do computer work for 5 hours each day is absolutely fascinating to me.

The best part is the love I get from them.  They're concerned about me when I'm not here, and they love to hear stories about my life experiences and my children.  They love that I listen to them and try to give them constructive advise that I feel will help them beyond the classroom.  My students bring their babies to school to meet me, invite me to their quincineras, and have extended an invitation for me to attend graduation in May.  I get emails and texts from my students expressing their appreciation for me as a teacher and how glad they are that I'm here.

My students are rough around the edges (some rougher than others) but they have good hearts and I'm so grateful to be in their lives.  I hope that I've positively impacted their lives as much as they've impacted mine.  I think I've finally found my calling and I'm so glad to be an educator.

"I'll be alright, Mom"

Earlier this afternoon, I received a call from my mother informing me that my first born son, Corey, has been kicked out of school for sexually harassing a teacher.  Let me repeat that for you just in case you misunderstood me...SEXUALLY HARASSING A TEACHER!

Now, many of my readers may be reading this and thinking, "Damn, what kind of home was he raised in?", or "Goodness, maybe he was sexually abused as a child".  No, no, no.  I submit to you that my son may have been raised in a single parent home by his African American mother, but I have always worked to ensure that both my boys had the very best that I could possibly give them.  I've done everything I know to do to provide the best possible nurturing and loving home environment possible for my children despite the challenges I've had in their lifetime. 

Corey is 18 years old and has had more than his share of challenges in and out of school, namely because of the choices he's made over the years.  He was retained in the 3rd grade, which wasn't his fault, however, every retention after that has been the result of one bad choice after another on his part.  By all accounts, he should be getting ready to graduate, but no, he's an 18 year old black male in the 10th grade because his priorities have been on being the cool guy instead of pursuing his education.

He has done countless foolish things and I just don't have an explanation for his actions.  He's had mentors, counselors, positive male role models, lots of encouragement, and STILL nothing seems to be working on him.  I've always tried to save Corey from himself.  I arranged for him and his brother to go on a tour of the prison in an effort to show them the possible alternatives if they don't choose their education.  And now, NOW my son decided that he's the "teenage heartthrob" and sexually harass a teacher at his current high school.

I've told him that the older he gets the less accountable I become and that his decisions are going to really start affecting him more than they affect me.  I love my child and don't want to see him in prison or dead, but I can't want that more than he wants it.  My desires mean nothing to anybody but me...and only the Lord can save him now.

A Time of Reflection

Every year at Christmas time, I take a moment to look back over the current year and assess my progress.  This year is no different.  I love to reflect on my triumphs and downfall, successes and shortcomings in an effort to continually improve myself  and be the best person I can be.  As I look back over my 2009, I've discovered the following:

*  I've maintained my positive attitude despite the trying year I've had.  Very few people know about my experience since arriving to AZ outside of my family and very close friends.  Even though I've felt like things weren't going the way I needed them to, I pretty much maintained my hope in the unseen and my faith that I'd be fine.  Somehow, I've continually shown myself to be resilient and ambitious beyond what I can even comprehend.  I'm amazed at my determination sometimes.

*  I found what I love to do to earn a living and that's teaching.  I'm so full of joy going to work that it's almost indescribable.  I love my students and I love helping them understand not only the subject matter, but also life and social skills necessary for their success outside the classroom.  I'm so motivated to learn as much as I can in every moment that I can, so that I can be the best educator I can be for my students and the educational systems I'm so passionate about.

*  I've developed quite a trash mouth and I'm not please with it at all.  I somehow have come to believe that vulgarity has become more effective than tactful and tasteful dialogue.  To me, this is very disturbing, but it seems to be true.  The bottom line is that people just don't appreciate nice and act as though they don't understand anything but getting cussed out.  I've also discovered that the remedy for me to maintain my positive verbage is to continually feed myself inspiration and positivity.  Daily affirmations and inspirational quotes, music, and books have always had a profound affect on me and how I interact with others.

*  I want to be debt free and still struggle with maintaining my finances.  I feel like I need a fresh start and will be pursuing that VERY soon. 

*  My soul crieth out for thee, oh Lord!  I've missed being part of a church body for some time now and I will be actively pursuing a church home.  I need more of Him in my life and I know that I can't do anything or be anything without God.  I truly love Him...I just have to get over my disdain for church folk.

I'm still reflecting but I must get ready for work. 

Until next time...

Reciprocity...my lifelong quest

As a little girl, I was taught to treat people the way you want to be treated.  For some reason, that advise has always stuck with me and I try to do everything in my power to live by that sentiment.  I love people the way I want to be loved, give the way I want to be given to, share with people the way I want people to share with me, etc.  There's just one thing I don't understand...why don't I EVER get back what I give?

Please don't get me wrong...I don't give to get, however, by the same token SOMETHING should be reciprocated back in some way, shape, or form.  Where is this coming from, you ask?  Why do you say that, you inquire?  Well, consider this an inside peek at Lennis Dionne Sample.  The following information is readily known to those that know me, and I want you, the reader, to get to know me too.

I love deeply...VERY deeply.  I love my family and my friends with all my heart and soul, and I've learned from a very early age to use the word "friend" with exceptional precaution because everyone is not your friend, even though they may appear to be friendly towards you.  I will do just about anything for my friends and most of my friends would do just about anything for me if they could.  I'm one of those friends that always remembers the little things (favorite color, birthdays, bits of conversations expressing something needed or wanted) and I do my best to let you know how special you are to me.  I'm very expressive and love surprises, so I often surprise my friends with random acts of kindness.  I listen to problems, issues, and concerns with a caring and constructive ear and give advice if requested.  (I also learned a long time ago that just because someone tells you things doesn't mean they want your opinion.  Sometimes they just need someone to listen)  I've developed a great sense of detail and am constantly developing my listening skills.

I've been told that my friendship is appreciated by many friends, however, this one person in particular has seemingly shunned me because I didn't see her or talk to her during my trip to NC.  There were so many people that I wanted to see when I got back to NC that I just didn't get a chance to see.  I was running nonstop from the time I landed in NC until the time I left.  Most of my friends understood that I was flying across country and may not be able to see them, but wow.

This situation bothers me because I was a really good friend to her and always kept in touch with her.  I expressed that I had a lot of ground to cover in a short amount of time, not thinking that I wouldn't be able to see her, for I had every intention to do so.  But what bothers me the most is the lack of understand.  The lack of forgiveness for not being able to see her or the lack of regard for our friendship over the years.  I take this as a personal slap in the face because she has remained friends with people that have truly treated her like shit, but I digress.

While typing my thoughts I've realized that I do have wonderful friends that do for me what I do for them in their own way, and for that, I love you.  One person doesn't determine the measure of friendship for the rest of my friends, true friends.  I guess when I'm not looking so hard for reciprocity I discover that it's been there all the time.  I would have any friends at all if reciprocity weren't there.