Yet STILL I Rise...

I've had the opportunity to reflect upon 2009 and I've come to the harsh realization that this year has been, by far, the worse year of my adult life.  I've learned so many hard lessons that I can't help but wonder when my breakthrough is going to manifest itself.  The more I think about my 2009, the more depressed I get.

I was basically homeless for about 5 1/2 months, between jobs (by choice), found out that love has escaped me once again, learned that my child has lost his mind since turning 18, and I'm STILL working my ass off and barely making ends meet.  This year has shown me not only what I'm made of, but where my true friendships lie as well.  I want to be financially successful and debt free so bad that I can taste it, however, I'm no closer to my financial goals than I was last year or even 10 years ago.  As I type these words, I can't help but wonder if I'll ever reach any level of success.  I have some things to be proud of, but for the most part, I'm STILL struggling.  The more I try, the more success and happiness elude me.

I believe in the Lord and I tell myself that He never gives me more than I can bear, but DAMN!!  How strong does He think I am?  Am I destined to be single forever, or be in selfish relationships with guys that are soooo busy that they barely have time for me?  When will I be considered the love of someone's life and have a Joseph and Justine Simmons kinda love?   Am I destined to barely get by or will my financial success ever come my way?  Will I ever be proud of my sons?  What kind of lives will they have?   What will my legacy be?

Ironically enough, I struggle and strive for a better life, and even though I don't understand why I do it, I still work harder, reach higher, and go harder than I've ever gone before.  Oddly enough, throughout all my hardships and setback I STILL press on...yet STILL I rise.  It seems so strange because I don't even know why I work so hard.  I've always worked hard and sometimes I do alright, but more often than not, I usually end up struggling.  I see my friends getting married and I want that.  I see my friends buying houses and I want that.  I have friends that just seem to have all the fortune and I want that.  I just don't understand what I'm working so hard for if my end result ends up being the same as it's always been...struggling...yet STILL I rise.  I rise from the fire like a Phoenix, with more determination than ever before, because I STILL have hope that I'll have the desires of my heart.  
I'm not sure if I'm just stupid or super ambitious but I do know this...even after all the pissing and moaning about what I want and wish I had, I still have hope and the faith in myself to achieve my goals and have the best life possible.  I believe that what God has for me is for me, and no matter what, that's what I hold on to.  I hate where I am in my life, yet STILL I rise...

I'll be back more powerful, more focused, and stronger than ever, but for now...I'm just depressed...

Until next time...