I pray that you've had a magnificent holiday season and that your New Year is starting of in the most amazing way ever. I've decided to use myself as the source of a teachable moment in helping you understand that love and being in love takes effort, but it's well worth it.
Let me just start off by saying that I love my fiance with all my heart and soul. He is the most amazing and incredible man that I've ever had the pleasure of spending time with. I really don't believe that I'm saying this because I'm in love with him. I'm saying it because it's true. He always thinks of me...always. He's sensitive to my needs and always seems to be a step ahead of me. He knows what I'm thinking before I ever say a word. He is quick witted and sarcastic and funny...really funny. One of the things that I truly adore about him is that he pays attention...to EVERYTHING about me. This dude doesn't miss a beat! But I digress...
In spending so much time with my Love over the holidays, I've discovered that even though I thought I had done all that I could do to prepare for him, there are still some insecurities that had not become evident until now.
Insecurity #1: I need reassurance that he's still in love with me and that he loves me. It's been my experience that people throw "love" around like they slingin' dice and that it really doesn't mean anything to them. People will love you for the moment or when things are going well to them or for them, but the instant there's a hiccup in the relationship...it's over. My love and I were talking and not exactly understanding each other at that moment. He says, "I quit". My heart sank and my mind was racing. What does that mean? Are we over before we ever had a chance to really get started? Does he not love me anymore? Is he tired of being with me? talking to me? What does he mean by that? Please understand that I'm a VERY analytical person and I think about what's being said and then disect the information and put it back together under a variety of scenarios. The point? He just wanted our heated conversation to end so that we could take time out and relax and try to understand each other better.
The lesson for me: When he says something, it's not terminal. It's not over nor is it the end of our world.
Insecurity #2: I'm afraid of messing up. For some reason, I was an AIRHEAD with my Love over the holidays. He would ask me basic questions and I would be like a deer in headlights. I've never been like this before. Example: We were at a casino and I had just returned from the restroom. Now, prior to me leaving for the restroom he told me that he would be "right here" when I came out. Of course you know that I didn't see him when I came out and I looked around for him and didn't see him. I was trying not to panic and looked for him. Eventually I walk up to him sitting at a slot machine. I told him that I thought he left me and he thought that was the most ridiculous statement. "Why would I leave you? I told you that I would be right here", he said in the most loving way as he gently kissed me. Then he told me to pick a flower on the screen. I just looked at him. Then I looked at the screen...then I looked back at him. He's waiting for me to pick, but I never did. Seemingly a little frustrated, he ended up picking one but he couldn't understand why I had such a hard time choosing. Honestly, I don't know why either. My mind wasn't even engaged in what he was doing, but really? My point? I've carried the responsibility of every failed relationship in one way, shape, or form around with me. I never knew that...until now. I want to say the right thing, do the right thing, act the right way...because I don't want to lose him.
The lesson for me: Trust that he loves me and that he's committed to me. Let him love me and rest in that love. He's never given me a reason NOT to trust him or his love for me.
Insecurity #3: I've got a wall up because I'm afraid of being hurt...again. This kinda goes along with the aforementioned insecurity, but I felt like this needed to be reiterated. Everything is going so amazingly well and I love my fiance so much that it's almost scary. This is truly a dream come true and I don't ever want to wake up. I've never experienced anything like this before and to know that he loves me too almost makes it seem unreal too. My point? I've become so accustomed to disfunction that when something beautiful comes along, I almost don't even recognize it. Love is amazing and beautiful...and so is he.
The lesson for me: Let him in. He's removing the bricks around my heart that I hadn't realized was there by showing me how much he loves me. Trust our love and don't let previous relationships dictate how this relationship will be.
I truly thought that I had grown past all my insecurities, but you really don't know what will happen until you enter a relationship with someone. It's really easy to say how you'll be when you're single. When you join forces with someone the thought process becomes a little different because you want the relationship to work. My love told me something that I hadn't thought of before. He said that learning each other is not about messing up or getting things right or wrong. There is no right or wrong. You learn about each other and still love that person because you chose that person.
WOW...isn't he amazing?
I understand that you may be in love and chose not to take the advice of your friends, but please understand that the man you so call love… has also looked in the eyes of another woman and told her that he loved her to (most likely while he was fucking you). So it is up to you to choose whether or not you are worth to be with someone who respects you to not lie to you… and only be with you. I don’t you know you personally, but I know a girl who he has given false hope recently (and there are probably more delusional woman out there that have been seduced by his dimples and smile.)
ReplyDeleteYou say you have a wall up so you don’t get hurt. Hopefully your wall is not in the way of your vision to see what’s right in front of you. Look for the truth and stop trying to ignore it or wish it away. Your man is not totally honest with you… sleeps with other women and counts on your insecurities so he has someone to bed when he’s in your neighborhood.
It’s on your sister…
And FYI… use a condom. And you have to second guesses on whether or not to use one with him because he is only with “you” (cough cough) it’s your life and health.
Do me a favor… and use this blog as a time capsule. Read it years down the line. Use is as a learning tool. Hopefully you will see how desperate you sound. (Only because this man has not been faithful, and truthful to you… and has given reasons to doubt him... reason that for some reason (insecurity) that you mind chooses to grasp.)