I'm DONE!!

I think I've had all I can possible stand of living in the state of AZ!  I've made up my mind that I'm ready to go home...to NC.  I'm feeling overwhelmed because I really, REALLY miss my family and friends and it's also Cornhuskin!  You'd have to be a Meredith Angel to understand what that means, but just know that it's awesome.  I just have to work way too hard to make things work for me to stay out here.  It really shouldn't be this hard and I just don' t think that this is working for me anymore.

I can do all the things in NC that I'm doing here...my mind is made up!  I'm out!

I'm ready to go HOME!!

For the first time since teaching at this high school, I feel like I want to go home and never come back.  It's not any one thing or another, but a compilation of events that have occured in recent weeks that makes me feel like this is not the place for me.  I love the students, but there are definitely other dynamics that make me just want to walk away from all of this.

As a person, I have no gray area...I'm either nice or a bitch, I either like you or I don't.  It really takes a lot for me NOT to like a person, unless I get some sort of negative vibe from them.  As a teacher, I'm the same way.  I'm really nice and thus far, my students haven't really seen any other side of me.  I don't feel like it's necessary to act like a bitch to anybody unless provoked, but tonight, I'm really feeling some kind of way about being here.

 I've tried on numerous occasions to get certain students to calm themselves down.  Turn your music down, put your headphones in, take that phone call outside, watch your language, control yourself...These all seem to be the issues I have with my students.  Part of me not only feels the blatant disrespect from my fellow teacher, but from some of my students.  From my students, it may not be intentional, but from my fellow teacher I feel like it is.  I'll be confronting him tonight.

On the other hand, my students consume my thoughts on a regular basis.  I want the best for them and love to do all kinds of things for them.  I'm already planning what I'm gonna do for Halloween (which I just realized is next week), and I've got some ideas for what I want to do for them for Thanksgiving and Christmas too.  I have all kinds of plans for them and constantly want to show them that I care about them as people as well as academically.  I need to figure out how to be more effective with them academically though.  Somehow I've got to encourage a learning environment for them and make learning fun for them.  Seems kinda hard to do that when it's all computer based learning.

The students have truly expressed how much they love me and want me to stay.  In my heart, I want to stay because I love them too. 

A diary for Grama

Today is Day 1 for my Grama, who underwent chemo and radiation treatments, and was diagnosed with Stage 3 rectal cancer about 3 weeks ago.  My heart was so happy today because she was able to talk to me on the phone.  My Grama and I have a very special relationship, and she holds a special place in my heart.

Grama is my father's mother and I'm very special to her because I'm not only the first grandchild, but the first granddaughter.  She's always been a prayerful, church going, God fearing woman, and would always talk to me about the Bible and how good God has been to her.  She's always been the strong, matriarchal figure of the family.  She bore 7 children and raised them all in the very house that she still resides in today.  She took care of Grampa until the day he died, and has kept the family together with lots of love and prayer.

It's very strange to see my grandmother in such a vulnerable position, as she's always been extremely self-sufficient and able to not only take care of herself, but of anybody else that needed care.  She'd open her home up to the kids and grandkids on vacations and holidays, and make sure we were always taken care of. 

Something so small has turned into something that seems to be bigger than all of us, and has changed the inner workings of my family forever.  There was something going on to where Grama felt like she could try to take care of her medical issues herself using old Southern remedies that she was taught as a child.  Those old school remedies weren't working and she had to get not only a doctor involved, but the rest of the family.  She had been telling people that everything was fine and that the doctor was giving her a good bill of health during her appointments.  It wasn't until my Aunt Marion received a hysterical phone call from Grama, who had just been informed by her doctor that she needed a blood transfusion immediately.  WHAT!!

That was the beginning of what would forever change our family.  It's been one escapade after another with Grama and the family trying to understand what the heck was really going on and trying to get to the bottom of why she needed a blood transfusion.  I love my Grama and am glad to know that today was a good day.  Every day I will give an account of her progress and share my private world with the rest of the world.

Glad you had a great day today, Grama.  I love you.

Finally living BELOW my means

I really hesitate on sharing this information with the world but I feel comfortable with putting it on my blog.  It's really personal and I have to tell the whole story in order for things to make sense.  Let me just say that I'm pleased with my persistence and diligence to have a better quality of life for myself and my family.  I love my babies so much and I really just want the best for them.  Everything I do is not just for me, but for them.

We've finally moved into a new place and it's really, REALLY affordable.  It's a nice size for my son and I (and Kingston, of course) and I know that it's better for us in the long run.  More on the long run in a later post.  I believe that for the first time, I'll be living below my means and will actually have money to save towards my greater goal.  More details on my greater goal in a future text. 

Kingston really likes it because he has lots of room to run and play, and going outside for him is always an adventure.  Our previous living situation was bearable to say the least, however, it served its purpose for what we needed at the time.  I'm not very proud of the fact that we resided at the Budget Suites for about 5 1/2 months, but I did what I had to do to provide a roof over our heads and a safe place to stay.  It was also very important to me that we kept Kingston.  Kingston has become a BIG part of my life and I don't know what I would do without him.  He's such an awesome dog and very sweet. 

I can't say that I've made the best decisions in my life, but I don't have any regrets about anything I've done.  I'm determined to have a better quality of life and be happy doing something that I truly enjoy doing.  I don't feel the need to tolerate foolishness on a job because that doesn't contribute to my overall well being.  I believe that everything happens for a reason and that for whatever time you spend at a particular place in the history of your life, there was a devine purpose for the experience and a lesson to be learned.

Thank you to all Walgreens and all the other employers that played a part in providing wages for me to make it through one of the roughest times I've experienced in a long time.  Thank you for all the experiences and tolerences that I've had to deal with and the personal grown I've gained because of them.  I truly appreciate the time spent, new people that I've had the pleasure of working with, and the lessons about myself and what I want out of the only life I have.  I'm stronger, tougher, and a whole hell of a lot wiser because of the lessons I've received.

I'm happily and eternally grateful.

I'm in a very pensive mood...

Oh, how I've missed you, Dear Blog!  I have a lot on my mind and that means that I have a lot to talk about.  I love the experiences of my life because they all help mold and shape me into a better person.  My mind is literally overwhelmed with thoughts and my fingers can't seem to type fast enough.  Where do I begin?  What topic do I want to pour out onto my blog today?  This may be why I really need to write on my blog EVERY day.  I have a good reason for not writing on it though, I promise.

One of the first thoughts that comes to mind is my status at the high school that I work for.  I don't seem to have the respect that I really feel I deserve as an educator because I don't have my certification...yet.  I'm currently studying for my state certification in Spanish, however, the treatment that I receive from some of my co-workers is pretty amazing.  It really kinda puts me in the mindset of the Jim Crow era, not just because I'm African American and my counterparts are Anglo, but the subtle nuances that I experience when dealing with certain individuals makes me thankful for being a powerhouse.  I already know that I'm a triple threat because I'm female, black, and biligual.  I'm fully aware that I'm highly desirable in almost every sector and have lots of flexibility. 

I really engage my students in conversation and love to hear what they have to say.  It's really interesting to hear their viewpoints on life and certain situations.  I sit with the students at lunch, bring them snacks, and try to make sure that they have what they need to get their work done.  Tonight during dinner break, my students expressed why they think I'm experiencing such "hate" from my co-worker.  I was told that it's because of jealousy.  I further inquired about their opinion and they indicated that I was one of the coolest teachers that the school has seen in a while and that all the students love me.  I wasn't quite sure how to take that. 

It's so good to be loved...

You BETTER Not Leave Right Now, Ms. Sample

"You better not leave right now, Ms. Sample.  I'm serious!"  My student, Monique, is one of several of my students who share that same sentiment.  The don't want me to make any sudden moves with regards to my career and my future at this school.  I must admit that hearing that makes me smile because I feel like I've really positively impacted these students. 

Monique is one of the sweetest and cutest students and holds a special place in my heart.  In the short time that I've gotten to know her, she's let me know how glad she is that I've come to this school and that I'm the only positive is something that's seemingly so negative.  She's really working hard to pursue her education and she's committed to achieving that goal.  She's very focused determined to get out of high school to provide a better quality of life for herself.  She loves her family and you gotta love that. 

Shaunda, Monique's friend, is also a sweetie, who is supposed to be having her first child any day now.  She's still pregnant and her baby is very stubborn.  She was due on October 3rd, however, she's in good spirits and is patiently awaiting the arrival of her bouncing baby boy.  I had the opportunity to talk to her via text message tonight and she's doing well.  I call her baby Tyrone...lol

My students are a constant reminder of why I do this job.  I adore all of them and my heart breaks for the students that don't take their education seriously.  I really do want the best for them and hope that in some small way, I've impacted their lives in the same way that they've impacted mine.

Out of the Loop

Tonight has been quite an informative night, not only for my students, but for me as well.  I teach the Computer Based Education class during evening high school in Tempe, AZ.  Basically, the students come to school for attendance purposes to do computer based courses on their own.  The teacher is here to supervise and assist the students in whatever courses that they need assistance in.  The computer gives them a grade at the end of reviews, quizzes, and even gives midterm and final exams. 

Because the courses are given during the evening, there must be two teachers on staff.  Our attendance tends to be so large during the evening school that the classes are split between myself and the other teacher.  Somehow, Mr. Shelley, the other night school teacher has been informed of the changes to the grading policy that will be taking place school wide.  He comes into my classroom to inform the students of the changes.  My first thought was, "Damn, maybe I'm not really considered a teacher at this school.  What do I have to do to be informed about the goings on with my students and in the school?"  There may be some other underlying issues that I need to address with my presence at this institution.

I'm in a very contemplative mood right now and feel like I'm at a place of making decisions about how I'll continue to govern myself while I continue to work here and pursue my education to better advance my career.  This is my first school and therefore a stepping stone for me to build up the experience I need to construct a powerful teaching resume.  The bottom line is that I'm just not in the mood for bullshit and I don't appreciate the lack of respect for my passion and craft.  The students love me...or so I'm told, however, the administration doesn't seem to appreciate me outside of being the "reliable one".

I really just need to focus on my goals and stick to my grind...and woosah, woosah!