I Promise I'll Make it UP to You...

Anyone who knows me knows that I love LOVE.  I believe in a wonderful relationship with that wonderful man that loves me unconditionally and adores me.  I want my heart to skip a beat when I see him or hear his voice.  I want to think about him and smile always.  I want a man to love me more than I love him...and that's a lot of love. 

It's so interesting to be in a relationship with a man that was wonderful during what I like to call the 90 probationary period.  You know, everything is wonderful when he's trying to get to know you and he assures you that he's different from all the other guys.  He treats you like a queen when you're with him and for some reason is able to make time for you, even though his life is hectic.  And then it happens...

The phone calls occur a little less, but he seems to have time to hold full conversations via text message.  He's not able to see you as much because he's "got so much going on".  When I inquire about when I can see him, he responds in a frustratedly annoyed tone as if to insinuate that I'm nagging him.  "It's not you, it's me" is what he tells me.  "I promise I'll make all this up to you", he says.

My question is...how long do you expect me to wait?

I STILL Have Faith in Love

I've been confused by recent events in my love life, but I'm grateful for the experiences.  I've been dating a wonderful man, who evidently has a lot going on.  We talk all the time, he sends me romantic text messages, he sends me songs indicating his affection for me...just romantic.  And then it happened...

What happened?  I have no idea!!  Usually, I send him a good morning text every morning and he responds with words of affection and bliss.  The same thing happens at night...I send him a good night text, and he sends me wishes of sweet dreams and beautiful rest.  Everything was lovely on Tuesday morning.  Wednesday he appeared to be very short with me via text.  I say, "Good morning Superman"!  He says, "good morning".  No term of dearment, no sending you candy coated kisses, nothing.  Please understand that we've been doing this every morning and night for the past 4.3 months.  Thursday I say, "good morning Honey"!  He says, "good morning".  I ask if he's okay and he says that he's fine and asks me how I am.  I tell him that I'm fabulous, that I miss him, and asked him if he was mad at me.  His response, "yep".  Huh?  I ask why and he said that we'll talk about it later.  That was on Thursday morning.

We usually talk every day during his lunch when he's working, but I didn't call him this time because he said that he was mad at me, and I know how I am when I'm mad.  I need my space until I'm ready to talk, but I don't have a long cool down period.  I tried to be understanding and not call him, plus I haven't done anything for him to be mad at me.  I know in my heart that I haven't done anything...seriously. 

I decided this morning to send him a text and give him a call indicating that I have no clue about what's going on and why he's mad at me, but if his lack of communication with me is his intended message, then I got it loud and clear.  If not, then I would appreciate a call back.  What's funny is that I really want things to work out with us, but I know that I deserve better than this.  There's too much to do for me to be going through any unnecessary emotional drama.  I deserve the best that life has to offer, and I deserve to be loved by someone who is able to articulate his thoughts, even though it may be tough.  We can work through anything if we just continue to communicate with each other.

I still have faith in love and believe that my love is out there somewhere waiting for me.  Part of me wants it to be with him though.  I care about him a lot, but I care about myself just as much.  I love being in a relationship, but I love being single too.  I'm okay either way.  I just want to be happy.

Men Come and Go, but Carmen is Forever...

Today I had an opportunity to talk to one of my closest friends in the whole entire world...Carmen.  She was one of the first people I met in the Navy after bootcamp when I arrived at my duty station in Port Hueneme, CA.  We were 19 years old when we met, and we've been friends since 1989.

Carmen and I have been through everything from pregnancies to marriages and everything in between...together.  We've seen our share of ups and downs in each others' lives, and through it all we've always been there for each other.  I think Carmen is a permanent part of me.

I've come to a conclusion...men may come and go, but Carmen is forever.  No matter what goes on in my life, or what man comes in and out of my life.  Carmen has always been there for me to comfort me, tell me how it really is, and let me know that she's always by my side.  I love my friends, and she's truly my friend and my sister.

The Essence of Me

Recent events that have occured in my life have provoked me to take a step back and look at myself and what I stand for.  Who am I and what is it that I really believe in?  What makes me tick and why?  What are my core beliefs?  I recently got into a verbal altercation with someone who, in my opinion, had the nerve to question my christianity.  She considers herself a Christian as well, and her statement to me really shook me to my core...and it really bothered me.  I began to question myself.  Why did her statement bother me so much?

"And you call yourself a Christian".  I must admit that the statement really, REALLY pissed me off.  I had people tell me, "Girl, that's just the devil.   Don't pay her any mind"!  That may be true, but I still wanted to know why it bothered me so much.  I know that she may not have understood my decision, but I had to do what was best for me.  It was the right decision at the time.  She expressed how disappointed she was in how I handled things, and I must admit that I probably could have handled the situation differently.  In my mind, the outcome would still be the same.

I began to think about one of my favorite songs...Simply Redeemed by Isaac Caree.

I am a Christian,
Do you know what that means?
That means I'm far from perfect,
Simply redeemed.
Bought with a purpose...
Purchased by love.
It's not a form of religion, but a gift from above.
I am not perfect...no, but I have been redeemed.

I cry every time I hear this song because it speaks to the essence of me.  The fact of the matter is that I do love the Lord, and even though I make mistakes or choices that may not be conducive to everyone else's life or standards for me, my Heavenly Father still loves me and has an expected end for me.

I believe in treating people the way I want to be treated, and giving everyone a chance.  I trust you until you prove yourself to be untrustworthy, and still love you anyway.  I love to help people and it is my goal to be a blessing to every person I come in contact with.  In my heart I know that I was a blessing to this person just as much as she's been a blessing for me. 

I guess what bothered me the most is the fact that she really spoke to me like she was a BETTER person than me.  She expected me to be understanding and empathetic to her circumstances, but was unwilling to do the same for me.  At the end of the day, I've asked for forgiveness and have accepted the fact that me and this person might never be on speaking terms again.  I can't make anyone forgive me...that's between her and the Lord.

Reality Check

I had the opportunity to talk to a really good friend and fellow blogger.  She told me something that I already knew, but I definitely needed to hear it..."you've got to be consistent".

These words cut me to the core because I say that to my self all the time, but there's something about someone else telling you.  I haven't been consistent in certain areas in quite some time, which provokes me to ask myself the all important question.  How important is it to me?  Making a commitment to myself is something that I hadn't done or considered...until now. 

Part of me doesn't think that what I have to say is important to anybody but me, but isn't that enough?  Am I not important enough to share my thoughts and get into the habit of writing more?  The answer to both questions is yes.  I am important and I am enough, and if no one reads or visits my blog I know that I've met my commitment to myself. 

Thank you Nettie Boo Boo for being my friend and checking me.  Thank you for believing in me even when I sometimes don't believe in myself.  "You got this", is what she always tells me and you know what?  I do...I got this.

I can show you better than I can tell you, so stay tuned.

Until Next Time...

Long Time...No Blog

It has been far too long since the last time i wrote on my blog, and I must say that I miss it.  There has been so much going on that I haven't really taken the time to put update my thoughts.  Part of the reason is because I don't think that many people are interested in what I have to say.  That is a temporary mindset, however, and I quickly return to the mentality that I have plenty to share with the world. 

This entry will be short and sweet, but one of many that I will continue to submit for your reading pleasure.

Until next time...

Sharing My World

Every morning I wake up, my goal is to be a blessing to each and every person I encounter throughout the course of my day.  I smile every morning because I'm so grateful for another opportunity to smile at someone else during the day.  I feel like in some small way, a smile from me blesses someone else.

I love my job and thoroughly enjoy going to work each and every day.  I work with students all day long and it makes my heart happy to see these little faces on a daily basis.  Helping them understand information and being emotionally available to them is important to me because children need to know that learning is awesome and that there are teachers in the world that absolutely love what they do.  My world is enhanced greatly because of my students.

Love has found me...true love.  It's the most amazing thing I think I've ever experienced in my life and I'm so happy.  I'm finally at a place in my life where I can truly be myself and not have to worry about how I'm received by the other person.  I'm free to love the way I was designed to love and he receives me with all his heart and soul...amazing.  Absolutely amazing.

I'm completely in awe of how God moves and works in my life.  There's a boldness and confidence that comes along with freedom.  Freedom from worry and concern about what other people think and say.  Freedom from self doubt.  There is liberty in love...true love. 

Thank you Jesus, that finally I'm free...