Where do we go from here...

For some reason, I feel like I've hit an emotional rock bottom.  I understand that because I'm human, I'm prone to make mistakes and screw up more often than I really, truly care to admit.  I work hard to be the best Lennis I can be on a regular basis, no matter what type of crap I get handed.  I'm at a point where I feel like I'm at a crossroad with my relationship with the Lord.  Please understand me when I say that I LOVE THE LORD, however, I just don't understand what my role is in this life.

I try and try to do what's right (and I understand that even that can be a matter of interpretation), but will I ever catch a break?  I know that weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning, however, if a day is but a thousand years then it would stand to reason that I could be weeping for a long ass time...I'm just sayin.  Seriously, how long must I struggle and fight, the emotional fight of trying to remain positive when all I seem to be surrounded with is negativity? 

I guess if it wasn't for my damn determination, I'd be dead right now.  I'm experiencing inner conflict with myself and struggle with the decisions I've made to govern myself accordingly with regards to the various shit I seem to get myself into.  In any event, I'm still stronger and even more wiser than before and must guard my heart, bridle my tongue, and listen more carefully.  I must continue to fight the good fight of faith, because without it, I will SURELY die.  I must remain focused on the really important things in my life and do my best to create an optimal environment of love, friendship, and peace, and not waver from my own personal mission statement.  I don't really care about what other people think, because I always try to check myself before reacting to what has been said about me or done to me. 

I want to be the best Lennis I can possibly be, but I can't do it alone.  I need help...so I will continue to lift up mine eyes to the hills from whence cometh my help, for my help cometh from the Lord.  I truly believe that.  Maybe I'm going through all this crap because I'm being protected by the Lord.  It's possible that it could've been worse had it not been for the Lord.  I guess it's truly a matter of perception, but perception is such a tricky thing. 

Stay encouraged, Lennis and don't give up on yourself or your God.  He hears you...do you hear HIM?   hhmmm...

I DON'T have time...

I'm strong...really really strong...and fed up.  I don't have time for phony, fake church folk that swear up and down that they love you and are there for you only to LIE about you.  I don't have time for people that act like they want to be bothered, but they really don't want to be.  A word of advise...say what you mean and mean what you say!

I don't have time for people that only have time for you when there's a problem, but when things are good, THEY don't have time.  I don't have time for drama, bob smith (bs), and phony people!  If you don't want to be bothered with me, then just say so.  Stop with the lame excuses as to WHY you don't have time and just get on with your life already.  Honestly, you don't owe anybody any explanation as to why you do the things you do, so stop tryna provide one.

Grow a  pair and just say "NO"!  Sheesh... 

Ironically enough, I still believe in the power of the human spirit and in true friendship.  I have some wonderful friends, and all the people that I thought were my friends can get on with their lives.  I don't have time.  I DO want to take a moment to thank you for showing me your true colors.  

Yet STILL I Rise...

I've had the opportunity to reflect upon 2009 and I've come to the harsh realization that this year has been, by far, the worse year of my adult life.  I've learned so many hard lessons that I can't help but wonder when my breakthrough is going to manifest itself.  The more I think about my 2009, the more depressed I get.

I was basically homeless for about 5 1/2 months, between jobs (by choice), found out that love has escaped me once again, learned that my child has lost his mind since turning 18, and I'm STILL working my ass off and barely making ends meet.  This year has shown me not only what I'm made of, but where my true friendships lie as well.  I want to be financially successful and debt free so bad that I can taste it, however, I'm no closer to my financial goals than I was last year or even 10 years ago.  As I type these words, I can't help but wonder if I'll ever reach any level of success.  I have some things to be proud of, but for the most part, I'm STILL struggling.  The more I try, the more success and happiness elude me.

I believe in the Lord and I tell myself that He never gives me more than I can bear, but DAMN!!  How strong does He think I am?  Am I destined to be single forever, or be in selfish relationships with guys that are soooo busy that they barely have time for me?  When will I be considered the love of someone's life and have a Joseph and Justine Simmons kinda love?   Am I destined to barely get by or will my financial success ever come my way?  Will I ever be proud of my sons?  What kind of lives will they have?   What will my legacy be?

Ironically enough, I struggle and strive for a better life, and even though I don't understand why I do it, I still work harder, reach higher, and go harder than I've ever gone before.  Oddly enough, throughout all my hardships and setback I STILL press on...yet STILL I rise.  It seems so strange because I don't even know why I work so hard.  I've always worked hard and sometimes I do alright, but more often than not, I usually end up struggling.  I see my friends getting married and I want that.  I see my friends buying houses and I want that.  I have friends that just seem to have all the fortune and I want that.  I just don't understand what I'm working so hard for if my end result ends up being the same as it's always been...struggling...yet STILL I rise.  I rise from the fire like a Phoenix, with more determination than ever before, because I STILL have hope that I'll have the desires of my heart.  
I'm not sure if I'm just stupid or super ambitious but I do know this...even after all the pissing and moaning about what I want and wish I had, I still have hope and the faith in myself to achieve my goals and have the best life possible.  I believe that what God has for me is for me, and no matter what, that's what I hold on to.  I hate where I am in my life, yet STILL I rise...

I'll be back more powerful, more focused, and stronger than ever, but for now...I'm just depressed...

Until next time...

Tiger Woods...My Two Cents

I just wanted to take a moment to weigh in on the Tiger Woods fiasco and try to give some insight from a Black woman's perspective.  I've always been a fan of Tiger Woods and have respected him for his diligence and determination to perfect his craft.  He had a wonderful relationship with his father, which was also quite admirable considering that most African American males don't have the benefit of their fathers in their lives, let alone being raised with one in the home.  I've come to terms with the fact that he doesn't acknowledge the African American side of him, which in my opinion is a slap in the face to his father.  His father loved him no matter what, even after the Cablasian category that Tiger Woods decided to create for himself.

He marries a white woman...fine.  He has 2 beautiful biracial children...wonderful.  He's entitled to his own slice of happiness and a normal life just like everybody else.  My issue is with the details of his marriage, or should I say, "business arrangement".  Business arrangement?  Marriage is a partnership and he has lots of money, so I guess in the most insensitive way his marriage could be constued as a "business arrangement".  However, he also entered into an agreement with his wife that he would love, cherish, and honor her for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, til death. 

For the first time, I believe that Tiger Woods is faced with the harsh reality that he is a Black man that has crossed the line with a ton of white women.  He's dominated a white sport for years now, and no other golfer can say that he hasn't, but the fact of the matter is he'll never be white...ever.  It doesn't matter how many white wives he acquires, how many white mistresses he beds, or how many white people love him...he's still a black man that has broken the race barrier in a white sport and paved the way for other minorities to enter and gain respect in golf as a profession.

To consider his marriage as a "business arrangement" is a slap in the face to his wife and totally disrepectful.  She loved him enough to have his children and provide a home for him.  Yes, he's rich, but money obviously can't buy enough forgiveness, now can it.  Money can't wipe away the tabloid headlines or keep the constant flow of former mistresses quiet either.  Money can't even change the fact that Tiger Woods is STILL a black man with a big problem on his hands and really needs to determine what's really important to him.

There's nothing wrong with being African American and I'm sorry that Tiger Woods didn't care enough to embrace his heritage, which is clearly undeniable.  Many have come before him that have enabled him to enjoy the life that he has today and it's a damn shame that he's too arrogant to see that.   We are beautiful, despite what this country constantly does to try to stigmatize the African American.  From music to comercials to the lack of presence still in mainstream television, the African American still has a long way to go. 

Thank you Tiger Woods, for allowing me to be prouder than ever to be African American, for I appreciate all that we've accomplished in spite of the obstacles and all that we're continually striving for. 

I Love My Students...

Working with young people has got to be one of the most rewarding careers I could have ever chosen to pursue.  I can't believe that I was running from this for so long because I absolutely love my students.  They are truly amazing to me.

I work at a charter high school in Tempe, AZ where the students come here for a variety of reasons.  Some students have been kicked out of traditional high schools, some have disciplinary issues, some just don't want to be bothered with the traditional high school thing, but most just want to graduate earlier than if they would if they were attending a regular high school.  It's an alternative school that caters to the "at promise" youth and have day and evening school.  I teach the night school which is all computer based education (CBE) and assist the students in all their subjects. 

Although I'm a Spanish teacher, the school didn't have to funding for me to have my own classes, so I have to assist the students with their core subjects as well as their electives.  Because it's all computer based the students are basically teaching themselves the content and taking quizzes and tests via computer as well.  The students come to school every day and do their work on the computer.  Some are more diligent than others, but the fact that they're committed to attending a night school to do computer work for 5 hours each day is absolutely fascinating to me.

The best part is the love I get from them.  They're concerned about me when I'm not here, and they love to hear stories about my life experiences and my children.  They love that I listen to them and try to give them constructive advise that I feel will help them beyond the classroom.  My students bring their babies to school to meet me, invite me to their quincineras, and have extended an invitation for me to attend graduation in May.  I get emails and texts from my students expressing their appreciation for me as a teacher and how glad they are that I'm here.

My students are rough around the edges (some rougher than others) but they have good hearts and I'm so grateful to be in their lives.  I hope that I've positively impacted their lives as much as they've impacted mine.  I think I've finally found my calling and I'm so glad to be an educator.

"I'll be alright, Mom"

Earlier this afternoon, I received a call from my mother informing me that my first born son, Corey, has been kicked out of school for sexually harassing a teacher.  Let me repeat that for you just in case you misunderstood me...SEXUALLY HARASSING A TEACHER!

Now, many of my readers may be reading this and thinking, "Damn, what kind of home was he raised in?", or "Goodness, maybe he was sexually abused as a child".  No, no, no.  I submit to you that my son may have been raised in a single parent home by his African American mother, but I have always worked to ensure that both my boys had the very best that I could possibly give them.  I've done everything I know to do to provide the best possible nurturing and loving home environment possible for my children despite the challenges I've had in their lifetime. 

Corey is 18 years old and has had more than his share of challenges in and out of school, namely because of the choices he's made over the years.  He was retained in the 3rd grade, which wasn't his fault, however, every retention after that has been the result of one bad choice after another on his part.  By all accounts, he should be getting ready to graduate, but no, he's an 18 year old black male in the 10th grade because his priorities have been on being the cool guy instead of pursuing his education.

He has done countless foolish things and I just don't have an explanation for his actions.  He's had mentors, counselors, positive male role models, lots of encouragement, and STILL nothing seems to be working on him.  I've always tried to save Corey from himself.  I arranged for him and his brother to go on a tour of the prison in an effort to show them the possible alternatives if they don't choose their education.  And now, NOW my son decided that he's the "teenage heartthrob" and sexually harass a teacher at his current high school.

I've told him that the older he gets the less accountable I become and that his decisions are going to really start affecting him more than they affect me.  I love my child and don't want to see him in prison or dead, but I can't want that more than he wants it.  My desires mean nothing to anybody but me...and only the Lord can save him now.

A Time of Reflection

Every year at Christmas time, I take a moment to look back over the current year and assess my progress.  This year is no different.  I love to reflect on my triumphs and downfall, successes and shortcomings in an effort to continually improve myself  and be the best person I can be.  As I look back over my 2009, I've discovered the following:

*  I've maintained my positive attitude despite the trying year I've had.  Very few people know about my experience since arriving to AZ outside of my family and very close friends.  Even though I've felt like things weren't going the way I needed them to, I pretty much maintained my hope in the unseen and my faith that I'd be fine.  Somehow, I've continually shown myself to be resilient and ambitious beyond what I can even comprehend.  I'm amazed at my determination sometimes.

*  I found what I love to do to earn a living and that's teaching.  I'm so full of joy going to work that it's almost indescribable.  I love my students and I love helping them understand not only the subject matter, but also life and social skills necessary for their success outside the classroom.  I'm so motivated to learn as much as I can in every moment that I can, so that I can be the best educator I can be for my students and the educational systems I'm so passionate about.

*  I've developed quite a trash mouth and I'm not please with it at all.  I somehow have come to believe that vulgarity has become more effective than tactful and tasteful dialogue.  To me, this is very disturbing, but it seems to be true.  The bottom line is that people just don't appreciate nice and act as though they don't understand anything but getting cussed out.  I've also discovered that the remedy for me to maintain my positive verbage is to continually feed myself inspiration and positivity.  Daily affirmations and inspirational quotes, music, and books have always had a profound affect on me and how I interact with others.

*  I want to be debt free and still struggle with maintaining my finances.  I feel like I need a fresh start and will be pursuing that VERY soon. 

*  My soul crieth out for thee, oh Lord!  I've missed being part of a church body for some time now and I will be actively pursuing a church home.  I need more of Him in my life and I know that I can't do anything or be anything without God.  I truly love Him...I just have to get over my disdain for church folk.

I'm still reflecting but I must get ready for work. 

Until next time...

Reciprocity...my lifelong quest

As a little girl, I was taught to treat people the way you want to be treated.  For some reason, that advise has always stuck with me and I try to do everything in my power to live by that sentiment.  I love people the way I want to be loved, give the way I want to be given to, share with people the way I want people to share with me, etc.  There's just one thing I don't understand...why don't I EVER get back what I give?

Please don't get me wrong...I don't give to get, however, by the same token SOMETHING should be reciprocated back in some way, shape, or form.  Where is this coming from, you ask?  Why do you say that, you inquire?  Well, consider this an inside peek at Lennis Dionne Sample.  The following information is readily known to those that know me, and I want you, the reader, to get to know me too.

I love deeply...VERY deeply.  I love my family and my friends with all my heart and soul, and I've learned from a very early age to use the word "friend" with exceptional precaution because everyone is not your friend, even though they may appear to be friendly towards you.  I will do just about anything for my friends and most of my friends would do just about anything for me if they could.  I'm one of those friends that always remembers the little things (favorite color, birthdays, bits of conversations expressing something needed or wanted) and I do my best to let you know how special you are to me.  I'm very expressive and love surprises, so I often surprise my friends with random acts of kindness.  I listen to problems, issues, and concerns with a caring and constructive ear and give advice if requested.  (I also learned a long time ago that just because someone tells you things doesn't mean they want your opinion.  Sometimes they just need someone to listen)  I've developed a great sense of detail and am constantly developing my listening skills.

I've been told that my friendship is appreciated by many friends, however, this one person in particular has seemingly shunned me because I didn't see her or talk to her during my trip to NC.  There were so many people that I wanted to see when I got back to NC that I just didn't get a chance to see.  I was running nonstop from the time I landed in NC until the time I left.  Most of my friends understood that I was flying across country and may not be able to see them, but wow.

This situation bothers me because I was a really good friend to her and always kept in touch with her.  I expressed that I had a lot of ground to cover in a short amount of time, not thinking that I wouldn't be able to see her, for I had every intention to do so.  But what bothers me the most is the lack of understand.  The lack of forgiveness for not being able to see her or the lack of regard for our friendship over the years.  I take this as a personal slap in the face because she has remained friends with people that have truly treated her like shit, but I digress.

While typing my thoughts I've realized that I do have wonderful friends that do for me what I do for them in their own way, and for that, I love you.  One person doesn't determine the measure of friendship for the rest of my friends, true friends.  I guess when I'm not looking so hard for reciprocity I discover that it's been there all the time.  I would have any friends at all if reciprocity weren't there.

I'm DONE!!

I think I've had all I can possible stand of living in the state of AZ!  I've made up my mind that I'm ready to go home...to NC.  I'm feeling overwhelmed because I really, REALLY miss my family and friends and it's also Cornhuskin!  You'd have to be a Meredith Angel to understand what that means, but just know that it's awesome.  I just have to work way too hard to make things work for me to stay out here.  It really shouldn't be this hard and I just don' t think that this is working for me anymore.

I can do all the things in NC that I'm doing here...my mind is made up!  I'm out!

I'm ready to go HOME!!

For the first time since teaching at this high school, I feel like I want to go home and never come back.  It's not any one thing or another, but a compilation of events that have occured in recent weeks that makes me feel like this is not the place for me.  I love the students, but there are definitely other dynamics that make me just want to walk away from all of this.

As a person, I have no gray area...I'm either nice or a bitch, I either like you or I don't.  It really takes a lot for me NOT to like a person, unless I get some sort of negative vibe from them.  As a teacher, I'm the same way.  I'm really nice and thus far, my students haven't really seen any other side of me.  I don't feel like it's necessary to act like a bitch to anybody unless provoked, but tonight, I'm really feeling some kind of way about being here.

 I've tried on numerous occasions to get certain students to calm themselves down.  Turn your music down, put your headphones in, take that phone call outside, watch your language, control yourself...These all seem to be the issues I have with my students.  Part of me not only feels the blatant disrespect from my fellow teacher, but from some of my students.  From my students, it may not be intentional, but from my fellow teacher I feel like it is.  I'll be confronting him tonight.

On the other hand, my students consume my thoughts on a regular basis.  I want the best for them and love to do all kinds of things for them.  I'm already planning what I'm gonna do for Halloween (which I just realized is next week), and I've got some ideas for what I want to do for them for Thanksgiving and Christmas too.  I have all kinds of plans for them and constantly want to show them that I care about them as people as well as academically.  I need to figure out how to be more effective with them academically though.  Somehow I've got to encourage a learning environment for them and make learning fun for them.  Seems kinda hard to do that when it's all computer based learning.

The students have truly expressed how much they love me and want me to stay.  In my heart, I want to stay because I love them too. 

A diary for Grama

Today is Day 1 for my Grama, who underwent chemo and radiation treatments, and was diagnosed with Stage 3 rectal cancer about 3 weeks ago.  My heart was so happy today because she was able to talk to me on the phone.  My Grama and I have a very special relationship, and she holds a special place in my heart.

Grama is my father's mother and I'm very special to her because I'm not only the first grandchild, but the first granddaughter.  She's always been a prayerful, church going, God fearing woman, and would always talk to me about the Bible and how good God has been to her.  She's always been the strong, matriarchal figure of the family.  She bore 7 children and raised them all in the very house that she still resides in today.  She took care of Grampa until the day he died, and has kept the family together with lots of love and prayer.

It's very strange to see my grandmother in such a vulnerable position, as she's always been extremely self-sufficient and able to not only take care of herself, but of anybody else that needed care.  She'd open her home up to the kids and grandkids on vacations and holidays, and make sure we were always taken care of. 

Something so small has turned into something that seems to be bigger than all of us, and has changed the inner workings of my family forever.  There was something going on to where Grama felt like she could try to take care of her medical issues herself using old Southern remedies that she was taught as a child.  Those old school remedies weren't working and she had to get not only a doctor involved, but the rest of the family.  She had been telling people that everything was fine and that the doctor was giving her a good bill of health during her appointments.  It wasn't until my Aunt Marion received a hysterical phone call from Grama, who had just been informed by her doctor that she needed a blood transfusion immediately.  WHAT!!

That was the beginning of what would forever change our family.  It's been one escapade after another with Grama and the family trying to understand what the heck was really going on and trying to get to the bottom of why she needed a blood transfusion.  I love my Grama and am glad to know that today was a good day.  Every day I will give an account of her progress and share my private world with the rest of the world.

Glad you had a great day today, Grama.  I love you.

Finally living BELOW my means

I really hesitate on sharing this information with the world but I feel comfortable with putting it on my blog.  It's really personal and I have to tell the whole story in order for things to make sense.  Let me just say that I'm pleased with my persistence and diligence to have a better quality of life for myself and my family.  I love my babies so much and I really just want the best for them.  Everything I do is not just for me, but for them.

We've finally moved into a new place and it's really, REALLY affordable.  It's a nice size for my son and I (and Kingston, of course) and I know that it's better for us in the long run.  More on the long run in a later post.  I believe that for the first time, I'll be living below my means and will actually have money to save towards my greater goal.  More details on my greater goal in a future text. 

Kingston really likes it because he has lots of room to run and play, and going outside for him is always an adventure.  Our previous living situation was bearable to say the least, however, it served its purpose for what we needed at the time.  I'm not very proud of the fact that we resided at the Budget Suites for about 5 1/2 months, but I did what I had to do to provide a roof over our heads and a safe place to stay.  It was also very important to me that we kept Kingston.  Kingston has become a BIG part of my life and I don't know what I would do without him.  He's such an awesome dog and very sweet. 

I can't say that I've made the best decisions in my life, but I don't have any regrets about anything I've done.  I'm determined to have a better quality of life and be happy doing something that I truly enjoy doing.  I don't feel the need to tolerate foolishness on a job because that doesn't contribute to my overall well being.  I believe that everything happens for a reason and that for whatever time you spend at a particular place in the history of your life, there was a devine purpose for the experience and a lesson to be learned.

Thank you to all Walgreens and all the other employers that played a part in providing wages for me to make it through one of the roughest times I've experienced in a long time.  Thank you for all the experiences and tolerences that I've had to deal with and the personal grown I've gained because of them.  I truly appreciate the time spent, new people that I've had the pleasure of working with, and the lessons about myself and what I want out of the only life I have.  I'm stronger, tougher, and a whole hell of a lot wiser because of the lessons I've received.

I'm happily and eternally grateful.

I'm in a very pensive mood...

Oh, how I've missed you, Dear Blog!  I have a lot on my mind and that means that I have a lot to talk about.  I love the experiences of my life because they all help mold and shape me into a better person.  My mind is literally overwhelmed with thoughts and my fingers can't seem to type fast enough.  Where do I begin?  What topic do I want to pour out onto my blog today?  This may be why I really need to write on my blog EVERY day.  I have a good reason for not writing on it though, I promise.

One of the first thoughts that comes to mind is my status at the high school that I work for.  I don't seem to have the respect that I really feel I deserve as an educator because I don't have my certification...yet.  I'm currently studying for my state certification in Spanish, however, the treatment that I receive from some of my co-workers is pretty amazing.  It really kinda puts me in the mindset of the Jim Crow era, not just because I'm African American and my counterparts are Anglo, but the subtle nuances that I experience when dealing with certain individuals makes me thankful for being a powerhouse.  I already know that I'm a triple threat because I'm female, black, and biligual.  I'm fully aware that I'm highly desirable in almost every sector and have lots of flexibility. 

I really engage my students in conversation and love to hear what they have to say.  It's really interesting to hear their viewpoints on life and certain situations.  I sit with the students at lunch, bring them snacks, and try to make sure that they have what they need to get their work done.  Tonight during dinner break, my students expressed why they think I'm experiencing such "hate" from my co-worker.  I was told that it's because of jealousy.  I further inquired about their opinion and they indicated that I was one of the coolest teachers that the school has seen in a while and that all the students love me.  I wasn't quite sure how to take that. 

It's so good to be loved...

You BETTER Not Leave Right Now, Ms. Sample

"You better not leave right now, Ms. Sample.  I'm serious!"  My student, Monique, is one of several of my students who share that same sentiment.  The don't want me to make any sudden moves with regards to my career and my future at this school.  I must admit that hearing that makes me smile because I feel like I've really positively impacted these students. 

Monique is one of the sweetest and cutest students and holds a special place in my heart.  In the short time that I've gotten to know her, she's let me know how glad she is that I've come to this school and that I'm the only positive is something that's seemingly so negative.  She's really working hard to pursue her education and she's committed to achieving that goal.  She's very focused determined to get out of high school to provide a better quality of life for herself.  She loves her family and you gotta love that. 

Shaunda, Monique's friend, is also a sweetie, who is supposed to be having her first child any day now.  She's still pregnant and her baby is very stubborn.  She was due on October 3rd, however, she's in good spirits and is patiently awaiting the arrival of her bouncing baby boy.  I had the opportunity to talk to her via text message tonight and she's doing well.  I call her baby Tyrone...lol

My students are a constant reminder of why I do this job.  I adore all of them and my heart breaks for the students that don't take their education seriously.  I really do want the best for them and hope that in some small way, I've impacted their lives in the same way that they've impacted mine.

Out of the Loop

Tonight has been quite an informative night, not only for my students, but for me as well.  I teach the Computer Based Education class during evening high school in Tempe, AZ.  Basically, the students come to school for attendance purposes to do computer based courses on their own.  The teacher is here to supervise and assist the students in whatever courses that they need assistance in.  The computer gives them a grade at the end of reviews, quizzes, and even gives midterm and final exams. 

Because the courses are given during the evening, there must be two teachers on staff.  Our attendance tends to be so large during the evening school that the classes are split between myself and the other teacher.  Somehow, Mr. Shelley, the other night school teacher has been informed of the changes to the grading policy that will be taking place school wide.  He comes into my classroom to inform the students of the changes.  My first thought was, "Damn, maybe I'm not really considered a teacher at this school.  What do I have to do to be informed about the goings on with my students and in the school?"  There may be some other underlying issues that I need to address with my presence at this institution.

I'm in a very contemplative mood right now and feel like I'm at a place of making decisions about how I'll continue to govern myself while I continue to work here and pursue my education to better advance my career.  This is my first school and therefore a stepping stone for me to build up the experience I need to construct a powerful teaching resume.  The bottom line is that I'm just not in the mood for bullshit and I don't appreciate the lack of respect for my passion and craft.  The students love me...or so I'm told, however, the administration doesn't seem to appreciate me outside of being the "reliable one".

I really just need to focus on my goals and stick to my grind...and woosah, woosah! 

Some of my students are BOLD!!

I'm not sure if I want to call this bold or crazy, but I've had the most interesting conversation with some of my students this evening about their piercings.  One of my students recently got his tongue pierced...and he did it HIMSELF!  He then informed me that he also pierced his own lip too.  Another one of my students then informs me that she did her own piercings too.  She said that she pierced her nose.  As I stood at their table looking at them in utter amazement, ANOTHER student tells me that she pierced her lip AND her navel.  Not only did she pierce herself, one of her friends wanted their navel pierced and she did that one too!

Now, as I'm listening to them explain to me the process by which they conducted such mutilations, my inquisitive mind inquired about why.  My most flamboyant student, who happens to be homosexual, informed me that he would rather do his own piercings and spend the money he would have used towards something else.  I was almost afraid to inquire about what he would actually spend that money on.  He didn't hesitate to tell me that he likes to take risks.  The adventurous side of me can really appreciate a risky endevour, however, there's something to be said about doing something that could be potentially dangerous to the body and cause all kinds of infection.

His tongue is now swollen from the tongue piercing, which is normal.  I just hope that his body doesn't react in any adverse ways to his tongue.  All I can say is wow...

WOW!

Reconnections are priceless...

I've had the opportunity to reconnect with wonderful people from my past and I'm so glad the we've been able to engage in conversation.  Anybody who knows me knows that I love my friends deeply and do everything I can to show them all the time.  I do everything from sending daily texts to making weekly calls to them.  I really want to get to the point where I'll just send them cards in the mail with the most recent pictures of the family and other little things that will physically show them that I think of them often.  I'm so thankful for what God has blessed me with and that he's allowed me to love the way I do.

I just got off the phone with my mother, who had informed me that she took a 110 question assessment during a bible study class to see what her gifts and traits were.  She told me that she scored the lowest on mercy.  What blows my mind about this is the fact that my mother is studying theology and wants to be a church counselor or something.  She has the compassion of a gnat and even less mercy.  She has little to no patience with most people and anything that she would consider "foolishness".  She's so comical to me because she's seemingly the complete opposite of what a pastor teaches on Sunday morning to his/her congregation.

I'm not really sure where I get my patience and love for people from because it's certainly not from my mother.  She's never been really affectionate towards me or anybody else for that matter.  Working with others requires quite a bit of patience and self control, especially when it comes to one's attitude.  My mother doesn't exactly think outside the box when it comes to the consideration of others.  She doesn't really care about what a person has been through before they encounter her and her reaction is usually a mirror of the person she's dealing with at the time.

Lord, please help the church folk that will be dealing with my mother.  Not many people have the patience or the wherewithall to handle her abrasive nature and therefore many people don't really understand her.  Help my mother to see things through optimistic lenses instead of the pessimistic ones she sports regularly.  Help her to be gracious with her tongue and courteous as well.  Smooth out her abrasive nature in exchange for lovingkindness and a smile.

I love you, Mom.  You are too funny...

The Turning of a Page, The Beginning of a New Chapter

Today is a big day for me in the Sample household.  Today is the day that we move from the dump we live in currently into an apartment that's cute yet affordable.  It's just enough big enough for my son, my dog, and me.  This is definitely the beginning of a new improved chapter in my life, where I'm on a quest for spiritual and financial freedom.  I'm in desperate need of a break and I'm taking steps to receive my breakthrough.

The details are really too personal for me to divulge at this time.  Maybe because I'm still working on the bridge needed to be built to get over some of the circumstances, however, part of it may just be because I'm just not ready to share this particular aspect of my life with world.  It will, however, be fully disclosed in my book..;-)

I'm so ready for the best of things to happen in my life because I think that the timing couldn't more perfect than it is right now.  I'm at a different place in my life than I was a year ago and my outlook and perspective have changed for the better...I think.  I'm more calm and more patient.  I've learned how to stretch a dollar further than I've ever had to stretch it before and I've learned what I can and cannot live without. 

I've also learned just how deeply I love.  I love my friends and my family deeper than words could ever describe.  I love the little things in my life...like the way my puppy gets so excited to see me no matter what, or how my friends from Walgreens send me random text messages or Facebook posts to let me know that I'm on their minds.  I guess the biggest lesson I've learned is that no matter how bad life seems to be, the little things make it a little better.

Life, and God are both so good!

This Room is Full of Negativity, Ms. Sample!

I teach night high school with another teacher that evidently wears his emotions on his sleeve.  One of my students left his classroom to finish his work in MY classroom because there's too much negativity in the other class.  This has sparked some interesting thoughts and conversations over the last few minutes and has provoked me to look at myself...once again.

Even when I'm upset I try not to take my negative emotions out on anybody else.  I love my students and I feel the love daily from them also.  I try to let them know that I would do just about anything in the world to help them be better people, but I must admit that they do have a tendency to grate one's nerves.  Even in an angered state, I do my very best to keep a cool head and a diplomatic tongue. 

My class is lively and fun, however, sometimes it can be a little out of control.  With a little guidance and an abrasive tone, the students tend to recognize when they've approached a limit by which they may experience more restrictive consequences IF they don't calm themselves. 

My goal is to be the absolute best teacher that this high school has ever seen and I love the fact that my students love to be in my class.  I am, however, working on gaining a little bit more control in the classroom and setting boundaries for the students in an effort to promote respect and self discipline.  The classroom is a blueprint of the real world as well.  In life, students will deal with all types of people and personalities.  At some point, they must develop the skills to be able to effectively problem solve, get along with others in adverse circumstances, and most of all, learn how to be the bigger and better person.

I think what I appreciate the most is that at least one of my students feels that they can come into my class room and feel positivity.  I'm on the right path and my hope is that I continue to improve.

What am I gonna do with you?

I have a wonderful student named Bruce.  I'm really concerned about him though, because he doesn't seem to have a clue as to what he wants to do with himself.  There's definitely something going on in his life that has been distracting him from pursuing his education.  

As a mother, I've learned to be perceptive when it comes the communicative ways of the male species.  I can see that something's going on in his world.  At this very moment, he's using my desk phone to make phone calls.  He's such a sweet guy, but there's some sort of gang activities that he's either a part of or has witnessed recently.  It's interesting to hear his conversation because he calls EVERYBODY that he's been talking to on the phone "nigga".  

He had been absent for about a week or so and I was becoming very concerned about him.  I had been asking the administration about his well being and if anyone had heard from him or his family.  No one had seemed to make any contact with him until his stepfather paid a visit to the school.  I actually had the opportunity to meet him when I stopped by the office to get some bus cards for my students.  His stepfather asked me, "Do you know Bruce?"  "Yes!", I exclaimed as I extended my hand to shake his.  The nice man told me, "I'm his father...uh, stepfather".  The look of concern in his eyes almost brought me to tears because I could somehow feel his pain.  He then held his head down and said, "I've been really worried about him.  His mother is crazy and he's been staying with her for the past few weeks or so."  I told him how much I enjoyed having Bruce in my class and also expressed that I really missed him and was equally concerned.  Then his stepfather looked me in the eyes and said, "He's really a good kid."  

I had an extensive conversation with Bruce (well as extensive a conversation as you can have with a low key, relatively shy young man).  He had expressed to me that he was considering "just giving up".  My question to him was why.  He didn't know.  Then I asked what he would do with himself if he just stopped coming to school, to which he replied, "I'd just get a job or something and just chill".  He told me that he used to play football and basketball, but stopped.  He also used to cut hair but he stopped that too.  When I asked him why he stopped all these activities, he told me that it took a lot of time and that he wasn't getting paid to do any of it.  I then inquired about if he was getting paid now that he wasn't doing any of those activities, to which he replied and chuckled, "yeah." 

I have quite a few concerns about him because he's so bright.  He's not really motivated to do much of anything accept "chill" and I can't help but wonder what will become of him if he decides to do things his way.  As an African American mother of two African American young men, I understand what types of things young males CAN get involved in.  Fortunately for me, my boys were never really attracted to the fast life because they were ultimately concerned about how I would react to it...and their consequences from me IF they chose the less undesirable path.  I look at Bruce and see so much potential.  He's really focused WHEN he comes to school and he's really good with History, English, and Government.  

One of the last things I heard him say before leaving the classroom tonight is that he was meeting someone that was going to beat up someone else.  That doesn't sound good.  I want the best for him and he's given me something to really think about...how do I help motivate my students and help them realize their potential?  There's something to be said about students that just don't want to be bothered and don't want to listen to wisdom, but there's also something to be said about someone that's seemingly crying out for help and just wants someone to listen.  

I'm listening, Bruce.  Ms. Sample's listening...

There's the Door!

"I wanna go home, Ms. Sample", was the exclamation of the night from one of my students.  He was totally unmotivated tonight as well as last night and I had had all I could stand.  Last night he had the same attitude and the same lack of motivation.  Ironically enough, he came to my desk and demanded that I "motivate him".  I looked him dead in his eyes and said, "I can't make you do anything you don't want to do.  Motivation comes from within.  I would ask you this...how bad do you really want it"?

He stood silent at my desk as he played with a pencil looking down.  He seemed more interested in the pencil than what I had to say.   Some time later, he exclaimed yet again, "I wanna go home, Ms. Sample".  "There's the door!" I told him in a slightly aggitated voice.  Soon after my comment my telephone rang.  It was a concerned parent inquiring about her child's attendance.  As  I was speaking to her on the phone, I received a hug from my student and he left the classroom.

This student has missed many classes and had just recently come back to school for his "second chance".  What bothers me is that he comes to school but proceeds to waste time while in my class.  He does little to nothing outside of disrupt my class and bother my other students.  I ask myself how I could have reached him, but by the same token, my student needs to be focused when he comes to school.  He informed me that he wanted to go to college.  I asked him how he would go to college if he didn't even want to go to high school for free.  He just looked at me and said, "I don't know, Ms. Sample.  I don't know".

My quest is constantly to help the students that want to be helped and try to motivate those that seem to need a little nudge.  A lot of my students are beyond the traditional high school age, but not by much, however they still want someone else to do a lot of the work for them.  They just don't get it and I'm trying my hardest to help them get it.

No Regrets

I just got off the phone with one of my closest friends and she was in a rather contemplative mood.  She was evaluating the choices she's made in her life and was questioning her judgement on each decision she had made.  This was sparked by a HUGE argument that she had had with her soon to be ex-husband before she left for work tonight. 

Everything happens in our lives to build character and mold us into the people we were destined to become...in my opinion.  To me, there's really no point in regretting any of the choices made in the past, simply because they're in the past.  You can't change the circumstances or the events to make things any better or any worse; you just have to learn from each experience.  The good thing about experience is that it prepares you for the next experience and makes you stronger.  It shows you what you're really made of, lets you know who's really in your corner, and shows you what should or should NOT do in the future.

It's really important to be open minded though, because it's not wise to harbor any resentment towards others or any resentment towards yourself because of the decisions you made at any particular time in your life.  Be patient with yourself and love yourself.  Mistakes are not bad things at all...they just make us feel a little uncomfortable at times.  In the grand scheme of things, living life with no regrets opens your eyes to see the world through different lenses and appreciate all that you have.  It also prepares you for all that you'll receive in the future.

Be thankful and grateful for each and every experience.  Appreciate the lessons and learn from them.  Share your experience with others to enrich their lives and share your knowledge in an effort to reciprocate information.  You never know who needs to hear what you have to say...

Today is a challenge...

"Come on, Ms. Sample", Elizabeth tells me.  "It's Friday".

That statement has irritated me for some reason because my student is a 20 year old student that has a lot of work to do if she wants to graduate by May 2010.  She has an IEP, which is fine.  My problem is that she's not motivated to do any better than she's doing.  My quandry is this:  how do I help motivate her to see that she really needs to take her education seriously.  School is a social environment, however, it is also a place where to receive education and valuable lessons that can be carried with you throughout your life.

My students like to listen to music while working...which is fine IF you have headphones.  The problem is that not everyone can concentrate with music and singing going on.  I happen to be one of those people.  Plus, it's just common curtesy and respectful to other people. 

My goodness...

My new life as a high school teacher...

I'm a new Spanish teacher at a high school in Arizona and I absolutely love it!  My students have an amazing quality that demands respect, despite the global perception of the current generation.   I teach night high school and my students come from a variety of households and backgrounds, but they are predominantly low income minority students with some rough patches. 

I see the potential in some of my students that my teachers have seen in me when I was in school.  I want so much for them to succeed and be the best students and global citizens they can be.  They really have shown me that they need lots of support and that with the right guidance, they believe that they can move mountains.  I'm so pleased that I have this opportunity to be a blessing to these young people and want so deeply to guide them into young adulthood.

I know that as a young adult the focus is primarily on the word "adult".  There's a certain type of liberation that comes with coming of age.  Responsibilities are brand new and the idea of coming and going as one pleases is exciting to them.  However, what must be understood is that as a young adult, you STILL need help.  Seasoned adults don't try to control your lives because it's a thrill for them...trust me we want you just as badly as you want to leave! 

As a new teacher, my goal is to empower, not enable, motivate and not discourage, and to be fair but cool all at the same time.  So far my students have informed me that I'm the coolest teacher they have and that makes me feel awesome because I have connected with them.  I just want to make a positive impact on their lives...

One Giant Leap!

Today I have made one of the biggest decisions of my life but I'm not ready to disclose too much about it yet.  I'm relieved that I finally decided to follow through with it though.  Part of my hesitation is the fact that I'm bearing my soul to the world via the internet and I'm not exactly sure how I should divulge in the beginning of my blogging experience.

I've been through so much this past year since relocating to Phoenix, AZ from Raleigh, NC and I'm finally beginning to feel some relief...both literally and figuratively.  I've been told for most of my adult life that I'm a strong woman and that's what people seem to admire about me.  Through my eyes, however, what one considers strength I consider survival.  I do whatever I need to do (within reason, of course) to take care of myself and my family.  I guess I'm a strong woman, but to me I'm more determined than anything to have the kind of life I've dreamed of and to provide a better quality of life for my children.  

I've always been pretty positive...an optimist and I love that because that's what really works for me.  I've tried being negative and that just takes too much work!  Negative people seem to flock to other negative people and my experience was that I just got tired of hearing everybody (including me)  piss and moan all the time about their issues.  I decided to do something about my situation and change my outlook and here I am.  Please don't get me wrong and don't get it twisted...I never said that it was a cake walk or that my life had not been without challenge, but again, my determination pushes me seemingly where I need to be.

I promise I'll expound on my great leap in the near future, but for now, just know that it's awfully exciting in my world right now...and finally I'm getting a break and a fresh start!

Why I Decided to Blog

There are so many thoughts that run through my head in the course of a day that it's overwhelming for me at times.  As I sit here at the computer typing my thoughts, I'm thinking about the movie, "Sex in the City", where one of the characters is a writer and she types her thoughts on her laptop.  I've always wanted to be a writer and believe that blogging will provide the discipline I need to finish writing my first book.

This is so very exciting and a little intimidating for me.  I'm nervous about the responses I'll get, but also ecstatic about the idea of penning my thoughts into my computer in an effort to make room for new ones.  (I guess it wouldn't really be penning if I'm typing, huh?) I'm also hoping that by sharing my life with the world, that I'll be a source of motivation for someone as well as the receiver of inspiration and encouragement from my readers. 

I welcome open dialogue about most topics and will govern myself with the utmost respect to all who share their thoughts and constructive criticism with me.  Thank you in advance for the opportunity to share my world with you and appreciate you being a part of my world, if only for a moment.

Until next time...