I've made some pretty drastic choices over the last week and I'm not turning back from it! I swear, if I wasn't so damn determined and stubborn I'd be dead by now. I've gotten mad at myself, almost destroyed myself, encouraged myself...and now I'm working on myself and getting back to the Lennis I know and love.
Things haven't been so great for me and I've been greatly affected by the distractions in my life instead of using those distractions as motivation to catapult me towards my goals and dreams. I'm ready to face my challenges head on and have the mentality and mental stability to conquer anything that comes my way. I had almost forgotten how much I love me...I just adore me! I'm worth so much more than I've been willing to accept from others and have accepted from others. I am worthy so much more than what's been given to me thus far and I'm fighting til my last breath to get what I want and feel I deserve.
Change is such a beautiful thing because even the most subtle change can make everything seem so much better and so drastically different than before. I've made some physical changes...some I like and some I definitely don't like. The beauty is that I can always changes what I don't like and I've decided to do that starting today. I'm improving on one change I've made and I love the result. I feel more free now than I've ever felt in my life.
Embrace change. You will be so much better for it and will experience such growth because you've learned to become adaptable.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Sunday, January 17, 2010
A Heart for Haiti
On Tuesday January 12, 2010, a 7.0 earthquake hit Haiti and devastated an already devastated country. Hundreds of buildings collapsed and left hundreds of thousands of people homeless. The death toll is still unknown and people are STILL be rescued alive today. Rescued citizens of Haiti are hungry and in desperate need of medical supplies, food, water, and clothing. My heart breaks for the people of Haiti, but I have hope for them too.
What's so ironic about this whole situation is the fact that Haiti is THE poorest country in the western hemisphere and has needed help for decades. People are literally making mud pies to eat due to the lack of food. The country is in such a desperate state and has needed global support for a long time, but now that a major earthquake has hit the world wants to respond. It frustrates me that it takes a disaster for people to come together, but my heart is happy too...because FINALLY the world is coming together to help Haiti. Millions of dollars have been raised to assist in the rescue efforts, delivery of food and medical supplies, and more money is pouring in from sources and resources all over the world. Cell phone companies are encouraging customers to text a donation to be billed to the next month's phone bill. American Airlines is flying medical staff to Haiti for free. People are donating baby items, toiletries, and clothing and dropping them off at participating churches to be personally delivered to the people of Haiti.
I'm proud to say that I'm also doing my part. I've created a fundraiser for my students to participate in and represent the high school for which I work. It's a small step towards encouraging global citizenship for my students and it'll also encourage community involvement. I'm very excited and passionate about what I'm doing and I don't want this to fade. Finally the world is standing up in global support for Haiti and I want to keep the support flowing.
Continued aid is on the way, Haiti...
What's so ironic about this whole situation is the fact that Haiti is THE poorest country in the western hemisphere and has needed help for decades. People are literally making mud pies to eat due to the lack of food. The country is in such a desperate state and has needed global support for a long time, but now that a major earthquake has hit the world wants to respond. It frustrates me that it takes a disaster for people to come together, but my heart is happy too...because FINALLY the world is coming together to help Haiti. Millions of dollars have been raised to assist in the rescue efforts, delivery of food and medical supplies, and more money is pouring in from sources and resources all over the world. Cell phone companies are encouraging customers to text a donation to be billed to the next month's phone bill. American Airlines is flying medical staff to Haiti for free. People are donating baby items, toiletries, and clothing and dropping them off at participating churches to be personally delivered to the people of Haiti.
I'm proud to say that I'm also doing my part. I've created a fundraiser for my students to participate in and represent the high school for which I work. It's a small step towards encouraging global citizenship for my students and it'll also encourage community involvement. I'm very excited and passionate about what I'm doing and I don't want this to fade. Finally the world is standing up in global support for Haiti and I want to keep the support flowing.
Continued aid is on the way, Haiti...
Commit to Recommit
It is January 17, 2010 and my year has already gotten of to a rocky start. I'm not going to waste my time venting or whining about the woes of my life, but I will say that part of my issues have been the fact that I'm rather undisciplined when it comes to so many things. I want to get things done, but I get so easily overwhelmed that I just shut down.
So today I'm making a commitment to myself and to you. I'm committing to recommit to my goals and desires. I want to write EVERY day. I want to work out at least 3 days a week. I want to have a side hustle. I've decided that my side hustles are to tutor Spanish and to complete and publish my first book this year.
I think that part of what overwhelms me is the fact that my goals have other issues that affect the completion or maintenance of said goal. For instance, I want to work out at least 3 days a week, however, I've got to have healthy items in my cabinets to help support that workout goal. Eating healthy is expensive and I'm struggling to keep the basics in the house right now, let alone more fruits and veggies on a regular basis. That fact wears on me emotionally, which leads me to emotionally eat junk food. It's seems like a mad cycle. I get so disgusted and overwhelmed by what I need that I just shut down and don't do anything. How do I stop it?
The other goals are fairly simple. I do love to write and posting on my blog really helps me clear my head and say what's really going on in my life and what truly affects me. I really do enjoy blogging and will include these blogs in my book, which should be out by the end of the year.
I am committed to my re-commitment to myself. I'm committing to being selfish and getting thing done for me...and I'm proud of that. Today I've taken a small step and completed one goal...I blogged.
Now I get to scratch that goal off my To Do List today...
So today I'm making a commitment to myself and to you. I'm committing to recommit to my goals and desires. I want to write EVERY day. I want to work out at least 3 days a week. I want to have a side hustle. I've decided that my side hustles are to tutor Spanish and to complete and publish my first book this year.
I think that part of what overwhelms me is the fact that my goals have other issues that affect the completion or maintenance of said goal. For instance, I want to work out at least 3 days a week, however, I've got to have healthy items in my cabinets to help support that workout goal. Eating healthy is expensive and I'm struggling to keep the basics in the house right now, let alone more fruits and veggies on a regular basis. That fact wears on me emotionally, which leads me to emotionally eat junk food. It's seems like a mad cycle. I get so disgusted and overwhelmed by what I need that I just shut down and don't do anything. How do I stop it?
The other goals are fairly simple. I do love to write and posting on my blog really helps me clear my head and say what's really going on in my life and what truly affects me. I really do enjoy blogging and will include these blogs in my book, which should be out by the end of the year.
I am committed to my re-commitment to myself. I'm committing to being selfish and getting thing done for me...and I'm proud of that. Today I've taken a small step and completed one goal...I blogged.
Now I get to scratch that goal off my To Do List today...
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Celebrate EACH New Day...
I had the opportunity to talk to one of my dearest friends via Yahoo IM yesterday and was able to tell her how much I love her. She told me how she had seen a post on Facebook about how we celebrate the New Year each year, even though we're given new mercies every day. People make resolutions every year that, statistically speaking, peter out around February 1st. We determine that we're gonna get into shape, change our attitudes, stop smoking, get new jobs...all sorts of stuff; however, most of us fail to realize that each day that we're allowed to wake up is an new opportunity to resolve to do all the things that we put off until the first of the incoming new year.
Personally, I gave up New Year's resolutions a very long time ago because I didn't see the point of waiting until the new year to do something that could be done with the dawning of a new day. Seemingly, the new year is seen as a new beginning because the world procrastinates and uses their excuses as crutches to continue the undesired behavior. I love when people say that tomorrow isn't promised, not only because it's true, but because it really puts our lives into perspective when faced with our own mortality.
My friend says that if we treat each DAY with the same zeal and excitement as we do when the new year comes, then instead of resolutions unmet there would be more goals met, dreams realized, and potentials reached. That is such a profound statement to me. I guess it's because I have a vivid imagination, so I can see myself so excited about the new day and living that day to the fullest. I would have more of my book written, my apartment cleaned, and my checkbook organized. With each new day comes new goals and new things to do. Imagine the possibilities if we approached each new day with zeal and excitement. What would you be able to accomplish in 24 hours?
One of the things that I can't stand to hear people say is that there just aren't enough hours in the day, but what if each day was as if it were the New Year? Dr. Wayne Dyer says that when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at begin to change. I want to encourage you (and me) to see each new day as New Year's day and live up to your potential. Live more, love more, and laugh til you cry. It's healthier for you and you'll be a whole lot happier in the long run...PLUS you get to party EVERY day! So Happy New DAY! Celebrate!
Personally, I gave up New Year's resolutions a very long time ago because I didn't see the point of waiting until the new year to do something that could be done with the dawning of a new day. Seemingly, the new year is seen as a new beginning because the world procrastinates and uses their excuses as crutches to continue the undesired behavior. I love when people say that tomorrow isn't promised, not only because it's true, but because it really puts our lives into perspective when faced with our own mortality.
My friend says that if we treat each DAY with the same zeal and excitement as we do when the new year comes, then instead of resolutions unmet there would be more goals met, dreams realized, and potentials reached. That is such a profound statement to me. I guess it's because I have a vivid imagination, so I can see myself so excited about the new day and living that day to the fullest. I would have more of my book written, my apartment cleaned, and my checkbook organized. With each new day comes new goals and new things to do. Imagine the possibilities if we approached each new day with zeal and excitement. What would you be able to accomplish in 24 hours?
One of the things that I can't stand to hear people say is that there just aren't enough hours in the day, but what if each day was as if it were the New Year? Dr. Wayne Dyer says that when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at begin to change. I want to encourage you (and me) to see each new day as New Year's day and live up to your potential. Live more, love more, and laugh til you cry. It's healthier for you and you'll be a whole lot happier in the long run...PLUS you get to party EVERY day! So Happy New DAY! Celebrate!
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Where do we go from here...
For some reason, I feel like I've hit an emotional rock bottom. I understand that because I'm human, I'm prone to make mistakes and screw up more often than I really, truly care to admit. I work hard to be the best Lennis I can be on a regular basis, no matter what type of crap I get handed. I'm at a point where I feel like I'm at a crossroad with my relationship with the Lord. Please understand me when I say that I LOVE THE LORD, however, I just don't understand what my role is in this life.
I try and try to do what's right (and I understand that even that can be a matter of interpretation), but will I ever catch a break? I know that weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning, however, if a day is but a thousand years then it would stand to reason that I could be weeping for a long ass time...I'm just sayin. Seriously, how long must I struggle and fight, the emotional fight of trying to remain positive when all I seem to be surrounded with is negativity?
I guess if it wasn't for my damn determination, I'd be dead right now. I'm experiencing inner conflict with myself and struggle with the decisions I've made to govern myself accordingly with regards to the various shit I seem to get myself into. In any event, I'm still stronger and even more wiser than before and must guard my heart, bridle my tongue, and listen more carefully. I must continue to fight the good fight of faith, because without it, I will SURELY die. I must remain focused on the really important things in my life and do my best to create an optimal environment of love, friendship, and peace, and not waver from my own personal mission statement. I don't really care about what other people think, because I always try to check myself before reacting to what has been said about me or done to me.
I want to be the best Lennis I can possibly be, but I can't do it alone. I need help...so I will continue to lift up mine eyes to the hills from whence cometh my help, for my help cometh from the Lord. I truly believe that. Maybe I'm going through all this crap because I'm being protected by the Lord. It's possible that it could've been worse had it not been for the Lord. I guess it's truly a matter of perception, but perception is such a tricky thing.
Stay encouraged, Lennis and don't give up on yourself or your God. He hears you...do you hear HIM? hhmmm...
I try and try to do what's right (and I understand that even that can be a matter of interpretation), but will I ever catch a break? I know that weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning, however, if a day is but a thousand years then it would stand to reason that I could be weeping for a long ass time...I'm just sayin. Seriously, how long must I struggle and fight, the emotional fight of trying to remain positive when all I seem to be surrounded with is negativity?
I guess if it wasn't for my damn determination, I'd be dead right now. I'm experiencing inner conflict with myself and struggle with the decisions I've made to govern myself accordingly with regards to the various shit I seem to get myself into. In any event, I'm still stronger and even more wiser than before and must guard my heart, bridle my tongue, and listen more carefully. I must continue to fight the good fight of faith, because without it, I will SURELY die. I must remain focused on the really important things in my life and do my best to create an optimal environment of love, friendship, and peace, and not waver from my own personal mission statement. I don't really care about what other people think, because I always try to check myself before reacting to what has been said about me or done to me.
I want to be the best Lennis I can possibly be, but I can't do it alone. I need help...so I will continue to lift up mine eyes to the hills from whence cometh my help, for my help cometh from the Lord. I truly believe that. Maybe I'm going through all this crap because I'm being protected by the Lord. It's possible that it could've been worse had it not been for the Lord. I guess it's truly a matter of perception, but perception is such a tricky thing.
Stay encouraged, Lennis and don't give up on yourself or your God. He hears you...do you hear HIM? hhmmm...
I DON'T have time...
I'm strong...really really strong...and fed up. I don't have time for phony, fake church folk that swear up and down that they love you and are there for you only to LIE about you. I don't have time for people that act like they want to be bothered, but they really don't want to be. A word of advise...say what you mean and mean what you say!
I don't have time for people that only have time for you when there's a problem, but when things are good, THEY don't have time. I don't have time for drama, bob smith (bs), and phony people! If you don't want to be bothered with me, then just say so. Stop with the lame excuses as to WHY you don't have time and just get on with your life already. Honestly, you don't owe anybody any explanation as to why you do the things you do, so stop tryna provide one.
Grow a pair and just say "NO"! Sheesh...
Ironically enough, I still believe in the power of the human spirit and in true friendship. I have some wonderful friends, and all the people that I thought were my friends can get on with their lives. I don't have time. I DO want to take a moment to thank you for showing me your true colors.
I don't have time for people that only have time for you when there's a problem, but when things are good, THEY don't have time. I don't have time for drama, bob smith (bs), and phony people! If you don't want to be bothered with me, then just say so. Stop with the lame excuses as to WHY you don't have time and just get on with your life already. Honestly, you don't owe anybody any explanation as to why you do the things you do, so stop tryna provide one.
Grow a pair and just say "NO"! Sheesh...
Ironically enough, I still believe in the power of the human spirit and in true friendship. I have some wonderful friends, and all the people that I thought were my friends can get on with their lives. I don't have time. I DO want to take a moment to thank you for showing me your true colors.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Yet STILL I Rise...
I've had the opportunity to reflect upon 2009 and I've come to the harsh realization that this year has been, by far, the worse year of my adult life. I've learned so many hard lessons that I can't help but wonder when my breakthrough is going to manifest itself. The more I think about my 2009, the more depressed I get.
I was basically homeless for about 5 1/2 months, between jobs (by choice), found out that love has escaped me once again, learned that my child has lost his mind since turning 18, and I'm STILL working my ass off and barely making ends meet. This year has shown me not only what I'm made of, but where my true friendships lie as well. I want to be financially successful and debt free so bad that I can taste it, however, I'm no closer to my financial goals than I was last year or even 10 years ago. As I type these words, I can't help but wonder if I'll ever reach any level of success. I have some things to be proud of, but for the most part, I'm STILL struggling. The more I try, the more success and happiness elude me.
I believe in the Lord and I tell myself that He never gives me more than I can bear, but DAMN!! How strong does He think I am? Am I destined to be single forever, or be in selfish relationships with guys that are soooo busy that they barely have time for me? When will I be considered the love of someone's life and have a Joseph and Justine Simmons kinda love? Am I destined to barely get by or will my financial success ever come my way? Will I ever be proud of my sons? What kind of lives will they have? What will my legacy be?
Ironically enough, I struggle and strive for a better life, and even though I don't understand why I do it, I still work harder, reach higher, and go harder than I've ever gone before. Oddly enough, throughout all my hardships and setback I STILL press on...yet STILL I rise. It seems so strange because I don't even know why I work so hard. I've always worked hard and sometimes I do alright, but more often than not, I usually end up struggling. I see my friends getting married and I want that. I see my friends buying houses and I want that. I have friends that just seem to have all the fortune and I want that. I just don't understand what I'm working so hard for if my end result ends up being the same as it's always been...struggling...yet STILL I rise. I rise from the fire like a Phoenix, with more determination than ever before, because I STILL have hope that I'll have the desires of my heart.
I'm not sure if I'm just stupid or super ambitious but I do know this...even after all the pissing and moaning about what I want and wish I had, I still have hope and the faith in myself to achieve my goals and have the best life possible. I believe that what God has for me is for me, and no matter what, that's what I hold on to. I hate where I am in my life, yet STILL I rise...
I'll be back more powerful, more focused, and stronger than ever, but for now...I'm just depressed...
Until next time...
I was basically homeless for about 5 1/2 months, between jobs (by choice), found out that love has escaped me once again, learned that my child has lost his mind since turning 18, and I'm STILL working my ass off and barely making ends meet. This year has shown me not only what I'm made of, but where my true friendships lie as well. I want to be financially successful and debt free so bad that I can taste it, however, I'm no closer to my financial goals than I was last year or even 10 years ago. As I type these words, I can't help but wonder if I'll ever reach any level of success. I have some things to be proud of, but for the most part, I'm STILL struggling. The more I try, the more success and happiness elude me.
I believe in the Lord and I tell myself that He never gives me more than I can bear, but DAMN!! How strong does He think I am? Am I destined to be single forever, or be in selfish relationships with guys that are soooo busy that they barely have time for me? When will I be considered the love of someone's life and have a Joseph and Justine Simmons kinda love? Am I destined to barely get by or will my financial success ever come my way? Will I ever be proud of my sons? What kind of lives will they have? What will my legacy be?
Ironically enough, I struggle and strive for a better life, and even though I don't understand why I do it, I still work harder, reach higher, and go harder than I've ever gone before. Oddly enough, throughout all my hardships and setback I STILL press on...yet STILL I rise. It seems so strange because I don't even know why I work so hard. I've always worked hard and sometimes I do alright, but more often than not, I usually end up struggling. I see my friends getting married and I want that. I see my friends buying houses and I want that. I have friends that just seem to have all the fortune and I want that. I just don't understand what I'm working so hard for if my end result ends up being the same as it's always been...struggling...yet STILL I rise. I rise from the fire like a Phoenix, with more determination than ever before, because I STILL have hope that I'll have the desires of my heart.
I'm not sure if I'm just stupid or super ambitious but I do know this...even after all the pissing and moaning about what I want and wish I had, I still have hope and the faith in myself to achieve my goals and have the best life possible. I believe that what God has for me is for me, and no matter what, that's what I hold on to. I hate where I am in my life, yet STILL I rise...
I'll be back more powerful, more focused, and stronger than ever, but for now...I'm just depressed...
Until next time...
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